Monday, January 31, 2011
Hiber-Life Weight Loss Clinics Use Revolutionary Model Adapted from Bears
Sleeping Your Way To A New You
by Winsip Custer CPW News Service
"So I had enough with Mr. Warren Buffett and his stupid little lizard," said Wilma Bennett the former head of Geico's advertising department following his rejection of her latest Geico ad..."Can Geico Save You 15% Percent on your auto insurance? Do bears go in the woods?". Using the occasion to announce her resignation she also announced the opening of three Hiber-Life Weight Loss Clinics...one in Minneapolis and others in New York and Chicago. "I picked large northern cities because of the snow and cold weather. People are more open to skipping those months anyway. With the high unemployment rate and widespread poor eating habits of unemployed workers, the Hiber-Life Weight Loss System was waiting for someone to capitalize on it. Why not me?" said Bennett.
Bears typically hibernate from October to April or May each year and lose up to 30% of their body weight, but unlike humans, they will not lose muscle mass in hibernation. Not so for humans. "To counter this problem our clients are awakened throughout hibernation for their muscle training but are returned to their hibernation state immediately after their weight training sessions. We guarantee thirty percent weight loss in six months. A three hundred pound man can expect to lose sixty pounds in six months."
When asked if shorter duration hibernation was available, Bennett said that they had tried that approach, but it became problematic. A woman married to a New York seaman, enrolled him in their pilot program for one month at a time, every time he was in port. He only weighed 180 pounds. It was so she could continue seeing her new boyfriend without interruption," said Bennett. "Not a good experience."
After 110 days of confinement without food, black bears lost about 29% of their muscle strength in a recent study. In comparison, humans eating a balanced diet but confined to bed for 90 days have lost 54% of their muscle strength. Astronauts in a weightless environment lose 9%-11% of their strength during 17 days of weightlessness in space which is why muscle training is essential according to Bennett.
"Our medical staff and physicians pharmaceutically induce a coma during hibernation, but it is totally safe. We have learned volumns since Michael Jackson's little problem with drug induced sleep and we use heart, breathing, and CO2 and brain activity monitors just like in an intensive care unit. Blood is monitored for hemoglobin levels as well, so nothing can really go wrong," said Bennett who said the program is especially good for someone who has always wondered what it was like to be Sleeping Beauty or Rip Van Winkle.
Hiber-Life can be arranged for reduced rates for those who agree to participate in FDA approved drug tests sponsored by some of America's leading pharmaceutical companies. Several of their clients cut their weight loss costs in half just by participating in a few dozen vaccine clinical trials while hibernating. One trial left one of their clients with a slightly darker skin pigmentation, but that meant that she could reduce her visits to the tanning salons. It's been a win-win, so far, but of course there's no guarantee of no side effects as spelled out in the fifteen page liability waiver."
Insurance companies were not initially excited about the idea, but at a cost of less than one half of the popular lap band surgery, more and more insurance companies are finding the objections fading away. Lap bands cost from $12,000 to $25,000 per procedure depending on where one lives.
Ms. Bennett admitted that the $18,000 for a six month hibernation was not below the upper range of the lap band procedure, but that it is definitely competitive. "It's especially good for people involved in seasonal work like vinyard owners and distillers who have stored wine or liquors that need to ferment for a long time.
"It is a fact that those who have a steady sleep regimen lose weight and keep it off more effectively than those who don't. I studied this for six months while working on the 'Do Bears Go In The Woods' ad for Geico and I found that the reasons bears lose so much weight in that six months is that THEY DON'T EAT ANYTHING!" she said. "But it's not for everyone," she concluded.