by Winsip Custer CPW News Service
Mike Muzurski a first year PhD candidate in Western Philosophy at the University of Chicago has dropped out of school and is suing the university for what his attorney is calling "unauthorized technological brain function and memory alteration" which resulted from computer usage mandated by the University's PhD program.
"I used to enjoy reading long philosophical treatises. The Greek classics, Thomas Aquinas, Kant, Rousseau, Locke. That was before I took the University of Chicago's class on-line...and believe me, I feel bad about this for the University's sake. It could have happened anywhere, but it was there. With its long history of academic standards I entered the program feeling secure about U of C's endorsement of its technology, but I learned you cannot trust it."
We spoke with the University's attorney, Carlos Carladega, who said that it is not the university's responsibility to validate the safety of the internet. Muzurski said that after three months in the program he could no longer focus on Kant, Locke nor other philosopher's lengthy treatises. "I'm jumpy. I find myself jumping from page fifty seven of Aquinas' Summa Theological to page four hundred and I look to the book margins for a button to point and click and I've developed carpal tunnel syndrome while reading John Stuart Mill's Utilitarianism.... in paperback. "
"We are looking into including in the suit the Federal Government's DARPA program and the "father of the internet", Vint Cerf," said Muzurski's attorney, Russell L Lord of Leuerdy, Leuerdy, Leuerdy and Leuerdy.
"Mr. Muzurski's roommate will testify that he found my client checking out six hundred and seventy two photographs of Jeremy Bentham's stuffed body on-line when he was supposed to be reading Bentham's The Influence of Natural Religion upon the Temporal Happiness of Mankind for an essential presentation. He never did that before the internet and this is just one of several examples of his brain function and memory alteration induced by his enrollment in this program," said Mr. Lord.