While Mini Garrafon, an award winning gymnast and cheerleader from Silverado College in Pueblo, New Mexico was proud of the trophies she had won in high school and college, her try out with the Arizona Cardinals' Cheerleaders team was less than esteem building.
"I have never been so humiliated in my life. I was told that because I have 32a breasts that I had no place on the team in spite of twice doing flying cartwheels the length of the stadium," said Ms. Garrafon in a teary interview following the close of last week's tryout. "I was only going to be replacing an injured cheerleader, but do you think she can do a hundred yards of flying cartwheels with her 42d's?" asked the rejected Garrafon as her voice raised then cracked in an intense show of emotion.
"How fair is it that players cannot use synthetic steroids, but these big (expletive deleted) can have synthetic boobs? Where's the justice in that?" said Garrafon with a biting poignancy in her question.
"Dr. Ferdinand E. Nirgle, the cosmetic surgeon who had offered to provide enlargements of any cheerleaders' breasts for his right to use them in his advertising, had consulted with Garrafon. The girls' contract with the team forbade such a commercial advertising arrangement, but do you think that stopped Dr. Nirgle?" asked Garrafon who admits a fear of surgical procedures of any kind. "He still gives them a fifty percent discount for his right to talk about it at cocktail parties with photos," she said.
Nirgle's wife, Barbara Burroughs Nirgle, a relative of William Rice Burroughs and William Seward Burroughs said "my husband has always been kind hearted about helping flat chested women in this way. Plus he loves twirling and dancing and football games." Both Dr. and Mrs. Nirgle support the arts and sports in Arizona, but Mrs. Nirgle confided that she hates the William Tell Overture and is a avid supporter of gun control in a state that favors unrestricted gun ownership.
Lawyers for the team said that a recent poll of male football fans indicated that they overwhelmingly reject steroid use by players, but embrace whatever cosmetic changes the cheerleaders feel enhances their performance. Meanwhile, representatives for the embattled Arizona Cheerleaders offered the injured cheerleader a recovery incentive and will pay for the retired Bela Karolyi, US Olympic Gymnastics coach, to be her personal trainer as she learns how to do flying cartwheels the length of the stadium wearing Dr. Nirgle's new patented sports bra called The Juggerknot.