By Winsip Custer CPW News Service
Every piano student knows that there is no half step between the notes of B and C and E and F on the musical scale. There is no B sharp or C flat. B sharp is C and C flat is B. Period. No half step. Scientists at the Center for Galactic Harmonic Resonance have determined that the Big Bang's constant hum that provides the background noise for the beginning of creation is half way between B and C on the musical scale.
"That being the case," said Dr. Winthrop P. Sardonisis, "all music no matter how melodious to our ears, is out of sync with the universe."
Sardonisis said that whoever came up with the current universal scale and tuning benchmark, may or may not have known that their pitch was off by 1/2 step thus throwing all music in the world off kilter. "There are some primitive groups which have maintained the true galactic pitch on their reed flutes, bamboo wood blocks and leather headed drums, but these are groups that have not yet been exposed to a modern tuning fork," said Sardonisis.
When asked what this means for the human soul and psyche Sardonisis said "it means that every piece of music since the invention of the tuning fork from love song to dirges, classical music to rock and roll, hillbilly blues to hip hop, grates against the universe. Music designed to trigger extreme dissonance in the human mood, is infinitely more dissonant and soothing lullabies are like a cat's claws sliding down a blackboard against the galactic hum."
Sardonisis believes that the shift in the true pitch may have occurred when the first metal tuning forks were invented. "The early forerunners of the metallurgists who made the tuning forks were also sword makers. Harmony is not good for the sword business and they surely knew that sending people subconsciously into a constant state of stressed out jittery anger and animosity would be much better for their war craft in the long run."
Dr. Sardonisis believes that while the earth is not a perfect place and never will be a much higher degree of civility and harmony could be achieved by bringing the world's music into tune with the universe with what he calls the "B+/C- mantra". His new company which has patent rights on the process of shifting all recorded music from the current tuning to what he calls BBH or Big Bang Harmonization is called simply Smooth Inc.. He claims that all recordings can be re-recorded using his technology to bring it into harmony with the universe. "If Frank Sinatra had been singing in the mantra's hum, he would have probably not been a chronic smoker," said Sardonisis. "Joe Cocker and Janis Joplin would still have had raspy voices, but the harmonic resonance of their music against the universe's hum would have given their performances a soothing effect and on songs like You Can Leave Your Hat On may have encouraged women to take their hats off, too," said Sardonisis.
Sardonisis is attempting to prohibit any future music from being recorded in BBH harmonization without first paying Smooth Inc. a royalty. Meanwhile, a tribe of indigenous flute players from Borneo calling themselves KiWiKey are claiming that they own all rights to the BBH harmonization benchmark and that as the earth's soul surviving "keepers of the true key" over thousands of years from the Stone Age through the Bronze and subsequent ages, deserve to be compensated in perpetuity.
Sardonisis is also commissioning a study into the relationship between famous musicians and instrument makers who are known to have been heavily invested in both tuning forks and sword and weapons production. "I believe that even the 'pitch fork' used for ages to toss hay may have been a part of the public relations ploy to further this disharmony when in the Middle Ages there was a massive shift from calling it the 'toss fork' to the 'pitch fork'," said Sardonisis who believes that the surfs were also unknowing pawns in a growing world-wide militaristic complex of war mongers. "Every time a father told his son to 'get busy with that pitch fork' the new tuning fork came to the boy's mind," said Sardonisis who also noted that Jesus, the Prince of Peace, was never painted holding a pitch fork. "That new turning fork is, sadly, off key."