New IPhone Flubs Mapping Function

IPhone Maps Needs a Patch

by C. Severenson Johnson for CPW News Services

     While thousands of buyers stand in line to purchase the new IPhone, many other purchasers have noticed that the map function of the new phone does not work.   In comparison to Goggle’s map function, the IPhone map function often misses the mark leading the traveler to the wrong location or to no location at all.

     “It doesn’t’ matter that aspects of the IPhone don't work.  People want the IPhone.  They are loyal to the idea of the IPhone, even when the device is flawed.”

     Fred La Joya  of the group Flaws In Cultural Conditioning, said “when it comes to people’s own cultural heritage it’s the same thing.  People are blinded by some features of their own cultural, religious or racial heritage in spite of the fact that these loyalties no longer serve a larger good.  What good is it to wholly embrace anything when aspects of that heritage don’t  serve any real purpose.  What greater purpose is there than to put you on the human map?”

     Gerhardt Koke Rhineholdt, program director for Flaws in Cultural Conditioning, says that the programs he has designed for the group build awareness of limitation in blind allegiance.  “I’m German and we pride ourselves in being excellent engineers.  Our automobiles are marvels of engineering perfection, well, semi-perfection, but in the end they are all four wheels under a soot chugging, carbon monoxide coughing killing machine.   They may race you to the local hospital to when you've had a heart attack from eating too much and walking too little, but at what price? They spill their toxins into the air instead of into a concentration camp shower.  A whole new way of looking at cars must take place before the kind of needed changes.  I'd recommend passing a law that makes it illegal to build cars in any style other than the shape of cigarette.  We know that cigarettes are cancer puff sticks and dangerous to your health.  We put it on the package, but a bright new red Masserati, Mercedes or BMW masks what it really is and does.   Thank you Sigmund Freud, Ed Bernays and Albert Lasker, the triplet siblings of Wall Street's high priests, the mad men of Madison Avenue.  While German mechanics use a torque wrench to tighten the bolts on most cars, Mercedes are built with each bolt aligning to its own forged torque level indicator on each bolt head and engine.  On the other hand, just because we know how to engineer effective high quality tools, that doesn’t mean that we always use them correctly.  Take our chemical engineers, for example.  Zyklon B was a wonderful rat poison, but it should never have been used on people just because IG Farben made it.   Methadone is a wonderful substitute for opium, morphine and heroin, but just because the IG Farben chemists synthesized it  from chemicals doesn’t mean that those nations that have traditionally made the non-synthetic forms from the poppy plant… Turkey, Afghanistan, Pakistan, India, Indo-China and other areas associated with religious terrorism should fund their cultural traditions with the sale of these products that inevitably enslave another.“

     Paddy O’Malley, the group’s secretary, said he joined when he was tired of hearing that his Irish heritage was known for great whiskey distilling providing his cousins fortunes during Prohibition, but also made them great lushes who in O’Malley’s words “are always testing their products far too much.  Particularly on weekends.”

     Wesley Butler, whose family traces its heritage to a close knit company of swinging butlers who served the Tudor kings and queens of England, said “We watched how Henry VIII would swing from his stag horn chandelier before plopping down on top of one of the Bolynn girls and while following his example is what created our family, it’s not something that we are proud of."

     Mohammed Hussein Iman, the group’s treasurer, said “I began to question blind allegiance to cultural heritage when my eight sisters were circumcised without sterile instruments or anesthetics.  I asked myself “how can this be when there’s all those poppies?  So then I began to question the need for that elective surgery when there were so many children with hair lips.  When you've gotta have an Iman for this and an Iman for that, keepin' up with the Imans is just not where it's at.”

     La Hoya admitted that he is most troubled by plastic pink flamingoes in the front of his mother’s pink and orange house, but that he would never apologize for the music of Tomas Jobim.  “And I don’t think that Gypsies should apologize for the music of D’jango Reinhardt or the Gypsy Kings,” said La Hoya.  "And the proudest aspect of my Spanish culture is the lessons learned from Cabaza de Vaca, who did not apologize for the Spanish knowledge of fine steel sword making, but who laid it down after his journey's from Florida to Mexico and back to Spain using only his wits.  He was a modern Renaissiance man who knew that living by the sword means non-sustainability and a living hell on earth.  Now, excuse.  I have to go and get one of those new IPhones," said La Hoya.