U.S. Obesity Problems Solved With Record Food Price Hikes

Blubbering Americans To Shed Broad Bottoms As Food Prices Hit Record Levels

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

Flabby lard-lapping children who grow up to munch buttered pop-corn and chug barrels of sugared cola while watching cartoon movies like Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs will return to their schools  on Monday to suck up the hydrogenated oil and high fructose corn syrup goo dispensed from their school's lunch rooms.  Their salvation?  The greedy manipulation of the world's food supply.  As inflation sends food prices soaring they will shed their rotundity for lean, muscular, hungry physiques.

"The coming food shortage is like manna from heaven" said Cornelius D. Wesson of the Center for Theoretical Future Food Values of Topeka, Kansas.  "We will see a direct correlation between a rise in food prices and a drop in belly flab and walrus-like facial jowels.  Coupled with a corresponding rise in oil prices and more people walking and riding bicycles and we will all be better off for it.  The future of American transportation is the bicycle.  I'm investing as much of my money in bicycle company stock and in walking shoes as I can, but not in Nike.  I don't like their employment policies and the way they stick it to the children working in their factories.  I don't care how you package it, telling an eight year old that running a high speed sewing machine is 'play' doesn't cut it in my book."

Many are wondering to what degree the rise in food prices are related to reality or a manipulation of the markets.  "It's about 10% reality and 90% manipulation, but with the U.N. oil for food scandal did you ever think that guys like Coastal Refineries' Oscar Wyatt and his Texas buddies would shelve the idea of using food as a weapon as it was in Iraq?  These guys are no different than Saddam Hussein or Mubarak or Gadaffi and they have no compunction for limiting their devious activities to only the Third World.  Look for who owns the big farms or farm product distribution systems like ConAgra or Archer Daniels Midland or anything that rides the rails of Union Pacific Railroad with its family ties to Brown Brothers Harriman and you'll get a pretty good picture of whose pulling the strings.  Remember that it was Mrs. Mary Harriman, wife of railroad mogul E.H. Harriman whose company employed Prescott Bush, father of George Herbert Walker and grandfather of George Walker Bush who created the American Eugenics program.  These folks look at their own family members as pedigreed while all others are mongrels deserving of oceans of high fructose corn syrup like feed cattle.  They'll fatten you up or starve and enslave you if you're asleep at the switch...which ever makes them money.  Their agenda will not only lead to food as a weapon, but to rail cars filled with new holocaust victims," said Wesson.

"Meanwhile I'm telling everyone that you can survive indefinitely on water and earth worms and sardines are a great protein source. Sardine fishing came to a halt in 2000 because of herpes virus, but now they are doing nicely.  Stockpile sardines, grow some artichokes and carrots in the garden and you'll do just fine," said Wesson.  "In addition the runaway farrow hog problem is a great source of meat, too, and nobody minds you harvesting those suckers from their farms and ranches, but only eat lean cuts of pork or you'll end up looking like a hog, too."