Computer Program Instantly Links Al Qaeda Cells by Linguistic Markers

Verbal Babel Bullet Finds Terrorists Pronto

Fritz Von Ruffelshaus  CPW News Services

   Dr. Fardwaz  Zuminzecki of the Zuminzecki Institute of Linguistic Studies in Kathmandu, Nepal has led a crack team of linguistics researchers in the creation of a linguistics computer program that identifies  tightly bonded social networks with a rapid analysis of linguistic markers.

     “The VBB-1400 Program makes a nearly instantaneous analysis of written or spoken languages and out of an identified universe of verbal or written interactions clusters participants into social networks.  It all happens about as quickly as a Google search for, shall we say, 'Chicago deep dish pizza'”, said Zuminzecki.  "From cell phones or laptop computers in the most remote of locations the markers are analyzed,  cross-checked, and verified."

     “The applications for this technology are extensive,” said Dr. Zuminzecki, “but the most obvious application is for the identification of terrorist cells and the resulting rapid response from aerial drones."

     Frank Zimmerman Ritschl, whose father and grandfather worked at the Tier-Sprechschule School in Hanover, Germany from 1939 to 1943, believes that while the information delivered by the VBB-1400 is reliable, the application of the information may deliver many unintended consequences.

     On April 8^th a member of the Taliban in Afghanistan ran from an aerial drone and took refuge in a home with a dozen children inside.  Eleven children died.  Harmid Karzai, the U.S.-backed President of Afghanistan, is so leery of the collateral damage caused by the drone strikes that he has issued orders forbidding his nation’s military from requesting U.S. or U.S. allies’ aerial assistance.  "The VBB 1400 program may tell you that Ali, a Taliban, is talking to Omar on the other side of the mountain pass, but it won't tell you that Ali is standing in the middle of the local playground and that Omar is just inside the delivery room of the local medical clinic," said Ritschl.   "But, of course, our military will tell you that if we'd had this technology in 1840 in the Western states and the Cheyenne, Sioux and Pawnee used phones and laptops instead of smoke signals, we'd have eliminated them much faster....men, women and children," said Ritschl who believes that the use of the VBB 1400 is one the applications against which Theodore "Ted" Kaczynski protested.

     Meanwhile, Mrs. Simon Megs has stated, “There is no indication that the human factors needed for a discriminating application of the information acquired have evolved along with the technology.  My husband, Simon, God rest his soul, would argue for a moratorium on drone strikes until human beings can use this technology with greater discernment.  I’d say sometime around the turn of the next millennium or maybe the one after that if we haven't destroyed the planet yet,” said Mrs. Megs.

     Dr. Phil Miyupp, analyst for the environmental group Survivable Planet, believes that the VBB 1400 would best be used not to target low level carbon foot printers like Taliban and Al Qaeda operatives, but the real jack booted pothole poppin' polluters who are rushing the planet toward a non-reversible reckoning.  "We ought to be using the VBB 1400 to identify ourselves so that we can bomb the holy crap out of us so that the earth has some chance of healing."

    Miyupp favors not using the VBB 1400 at all, but instead enforcing by international and universal agreement an annual "Suicide Day" on January 1st of each year.  For the next five years we have an annual coin flip.  Heads is everyone born from January 1st to June 31st and a tales toss is for those with birthdays from July 1st to December 31st.  If heads wins the toss everyone born in the first half of the year has to take a cyanide pill.  It's an alturistic expression of our solidarity with the earth and with its entire human and animal population.   It would reduce the population from 6 billion to 3 billion the first year.  Repeated for five years and the earth's population would be down to a nice manageable and planet-friendly 300 or 400 million.  This would solve the global warming concerns in short order and without the need for either bombing Taliban or anyone else while making drones unnecessary," said Miyupp.  "It's high time people started thinking altruistically and quit this penny-ante and unjust approach to planet maintenance.  This would give the remaining population a better chance at quality of life.  Plus the free annual mass grave burials at prepared strategic future petroleum processing sites would replace the planet's depleted fossil fuel and reserves and allow for the total reliance on pure energy sources of wind, solar and geothermal power sources as well as petro-chemical needs.  The coin toss losers become tomorrow's fossil fuel source, but of course this will put traditional mortuary operators out of business, but they are polluting the planet with their embalming fluids anyway.  This would be truly 'giving unto God that which is God's' and in as much as 'God is love' and 'no greater love is there than this, but that I give my life for my friends,'  there will be a special place for all of us whose coin toss determines our place in the annual January 'Bon Voyage Celebration', but only if the coin flip is totally egalitarian, freely embraced by all and non-coerced," said Miyupp.