Cesar Millan's Gstaad Shtick

The Seduction of Cesar Millan: From Dog Run To Top Dog

By Winsip Custer  CPW News Service

     When Mr. Smith Goes To Washington he is faced with a dilemma.  How does one remain an outsider and not be absorbed by the power structure?  "Dog Whisperer", Cesar Millan, is a self made Mexican national from Sinaloa, Mexico whose working with aggressive dogs resulted in his program now seen in over 80 countries.  Joining the pack is not always easy as Millan’s stories have chronicled, but disassociating from the pack of top dogs is equally difficult.

    In the dog world the Alpha Dog sits atop the canine culture heap.  Dog culture is different from human culture in that there are no written laws, no Magna Carta, no codified tradition of respect and dignity.  Access to the dog bowl, fresh kill or thrown table scraps are distributed by natural selection.  The most powerful eat first.

      Dr. Basil Bastardi of the Neutral Imaging Institute of Gstaad, Switzerland has been teaching Cesar the secrets of Swiss neutrality and political power posturing.  The techniques are equally workable for dogs as they are for people according to Bastardi.  “Washington and the U.S., Libya, Syria, Egypt and every other nation on earth is frequently torn by unmanaged conflict. We Swiss have learned the secrets of walking that fine line between open conflict and well mannered toleration," said Bastardi.

    “I am hopeful that when he has completed our program, Cesar will join the 'Horse Whisperers' in Washington, D.C. who will all together teach American political leaders how to remain neutral.  This is the greatest challenge for planet earth and even though America's leaders are some of the most powerful on earth with an insatiable appetite for what is the equivalent of the biggest bones in the backyard, there is hope,” said Bastardi.

     “It is my understanding that Cesar dreamed of skiing at Gstaad when he was a boy in Sinaloa and when he saw the Academy Award winning film Scent of A Woman in which the leading character was mercilessly belittled by the children of America’s rich and powerful because he could not afford to go with his ivy league friends to Gstaad, Cesar was challenged to get here.  In that same movie, Al Pacino's character who befriended the young struggling student taught him the skills of power and passion sniffing....a key element in both dog and human behavior.   Cesar was determined to rub his uppity detractors' grubby little noses in their own doo-doo,” said Bastardi.  “We will help Cesar to understand that without the insensitivity, vicious actions and occasional guilt of an imperial power elite who wish to hide their money like a dog covering his bones in the backyard, there would be no neutral Switzerland,” said Bastardi.   “Meanwhile, we are helping Cesar to pronounce the silent 'g' in Gstaad which is much easier for Latins than Anglos just as jumping fences is easier for Greyhounds than for Dachshunds,” said Bastardi pointing out Cesar’s new Rolex watch which like other fine watches was made in Switzerland. 

    Bastardi’s work has been challenged by attorneys for Jewish survivors of the holocaust who have proven in an international court that Switzerland was not neutral during World War II when it secured the gold deposits of Nazi Germany.  These deposits were proven to have high levels of mercury associated with tooth fillings, caps and crowns melted down into gold ingots.  At the same time, trains transporting Jewish detainees from Europe passed through Switzerland on their way to Nazi concentration camps for the patient-rejected remedial dental work and accelerated bare bones funeral rituals.  “That was the only way for us to stay neutral,” said Bastardi noting that the Swiss policy was in perfect keeping with the Swiss doctrine of neutrality taught by Bastardi’s Neutral Imaging Institute.  “Those who say that the Swiss Guard that protects the Pope were somehow involved in protecting those trains are wrong.  They were protecting the core value of a neutral nation,” said Bastardi who did not believe that those calling for an analysis of the gold in Cesar Millan's new Rolex watch would detect traces of mercury.