Dan Marino Buffs Up!

Dolphin’s Meaty Quarterback Pushing Buffalo Steaks

by Winsip Custer CPW News Services

     According to Dan Marino, the former quarterback for the Miami Dolphins, ignorant and mostly improperly documented immigrants slaughtered North America’s best resource, replacing it with an inferior grade of meat, plumped up on steroids and enzymes, prone to disease, high in cholesterol and fat and far less tasty than Buffalo.  "Buffalo will not urinate in their water source and drink it," said Marino, noting that they are also excellent at identifying polluted American rivers by not being near them.  "Beef, on the other hand, urinate and defecated in in their own drinking water which may be why India's Mahatmas Gandhi also liked to start his day with a glass of his own 'sunshine'," said Marino.  "Cattle are god's in India and their Brahma cattle were imported to the U.S. because of their abilities to handle heat and insects.  Bred with the other U.S. cattle, they made these marvelous pee-eating blubbery meat sources that eventually turned us into what we are today. Fatties.  Blubber wads who try to shed pounds by drinking Slim Fast from a crappy can instead of eating healthy," said Marino noting that "Buffalo are to hooved meat sources what Ahi Tuna is to mullet or catfish."

     “You can go and watch Dances With Wolves, How The West Was Won or many other Western movies to see what happened to the massive buffalo herds of the America plains, but in the end cattle was a bad idea.  There’s nothing better than range-fed buffalo.  Range-fed chicken are known to be healthier and tastier as well,” said Marino who recommends range chicken stuffed in buffalo steaks. 

     Marino said that buffalo meat has a “lighter, sweeter flavor" and "doesn't leave a greasy feel in your mouth” and that it has…"a much livelier flavor, but isn't "gamy".  He notes that it is 70-90% leaner than beef and with 50% less cholesterol.”

    Dr. Horace “Tonka Tails” Lighthorse, an expert in buffalo with the American Indian Assembly for a Leaner America, sees buffalo as the answer to America’ obesity problem.  "Americans have become a waddling, blubbery, broad bottomed bank of bulbous bozos," said Lighthorse who stands 6'1" and weights a slim 169 lbs. who can spin on his head while riding his Appaloosa horse in full gallop while shooting a bow and arrow.

   “We are proposing to the Obama administration that American Indians be allowed to reinvent the Great Plains roughly between the Dakotas to Texas from Kansas and Oklahoma on the east to Colorado, Wyoming and New Mexico on the west.  Cargill, ConAgra and other major corn growers will have to give up their land to  be replanted as grassland for the new massive herds of buffalo that will graze there.  A simple tax increase on the mega-corporations that grow beef and corn for high fructose corn syrup will help to fund our project,” said Lighthorse whose family has remained at the cutting edge of buffalo raising and harvesting.

     Washington lobbyist, Jack Abrahamoff, as well as George Walker Cody, a distant relative of Buffalo Bill Cody, are representing the AIALA in Washington.   The Madison Avenue advertising firm of Colley, Twitchell and Bugge are promoting the AIALA plan with their new Buff Up On Buffalo, America! campaign.

     Hamilton Franklin Cushing, a descendant of Frank Hamilton Cushing, the famous expert on Native American Indian customs, said that "just because Buffalo don't drink their own pee, doesn't mean that Indians followed their example.  Featured in Bourkes 1891 book, Scatologic Rites of All Nations. A Dissertation upon the Employment of Excrementicious Reemdial Agents in Religion, Therapeutics, Divination, Witch-Craft, Love-Philters, etc. in all part of the Globe, Bourke showed how Frank Hamilton Cushing disclosed the close similarities between Cochise, Geronimo and Ghandi.

     "What's worst," asked Abrahamoff, "their little cultural peccadilloes or eating high fructose corn syrup laced with Monsanto engineered additives and watered downstream from a Koch Brothers' Georgia-Pacific plant and fertilized with petro-chemical that's then fed to cows standing in the own fesces and yellow drinking water?"

    "See," said Marino,  "At least the Buffalo are pristine. Which is why we should eat them with confidence!  Maybe they will improve us.  I'm not willing to diefy the noble buffalo, but he seems a whole lot smarter than people so I'm leaning in that direction."