by Katrina "Kat" Mandoo Quicke for CPW News Service
Anthony "Tony" Coelho has the simple answer to a sticky cultural issue. A strong supporter of the 1990 Americans With Disabilities Act or ADA that brought forward the issue of barrier-free access to public bathroom facilities, Coelho sees a new horizon for the evolution of non-discriminatory access to shared, inclusively governed spaces. Rebuild.
"When I heard that Coelho is suggesting that we rip out all the plumbing from our public facilities to handle trans-gendered people I was like.....what?......here we go again!" said Simon Peter Anghler from Tampa, Florida a building maintenance supervisor whose many public buildings could require massive changes that could cost hundreds of thousands of dollars.
Reverend Guy Dwyer of the Church of Reconciliation in Greenbay, Wisconsin said "We spent about eighty thousand dollars to renovate our sanctuary so that the son of one of our deacons could roll his wheelchair up to the pulpit if he ever felt called by God Almighty to become a preacher. Afterward, Johnny Philbert, the young man for whom it was built said 'I never read that Jesus ever preached from a pulpit like this so why did you spend $80,000 to change a perfectly good arrangement?' Bart Bartholemew, our member and expert in building renovations who did the work at a $10,000 discount said "we did it because we felt we needed to exceed the ADA requirements and hit for Jesus a homerun for inclusion." Bartholemew also contracted with Dwyer's church to convert all the bathrooms, twenty two of them, for the steeply discounted price of $264,882. Sadly, according to Rev. Dwyer, "Bartholemew quit our church just after the work was done and moved on to the local Methodist Church where he did their renovations at what he said were 'significant savings,'" said Rev. Dwyer.
According to Bartholemew's dossier he was working for a division of Ford Motor Company before that division was moved to Mexico. A close friend who wished not to be identified said "Bart was flattened by what he called the 'giant sucking sound' of my job going south. If it hadn't been for the ADA being passed in 1990 I would have starved. Then, had it not been for those wonderful sub-prime mortgages that led people to think that they needed a new home with more bathrooms, finer cabinets and counter-tops and higher ceilings, I would have starved again after losing my .COM job when the .COM bubble burst in 2000 just after the Y2K fear mongering proved to be a big bamboozle. If I hadn't had that construction job between 2000 and 2008 when the big sub-prime-over-extend-yourself-on-this-new-mansion bubble burst I would have starved again. Those were the good old days of non-stop building and construction over-time," said Bartholemew not mentioning that the 2008 Hank Paulson bailout provided taxpayer dollars on the premise and promise that the upside down mortgages of misinformed, ill-informed or economically adversely effected homeowners would receive debt relief. "Another big bamboozle," said Rev. Dwyer stating "my brother-in-law got a hefty year-end bonus in 2008 for leading his Wall Street investment firm into bankruptcy. That little a-ho.....ah, dude....is....never mind."
|Proposed floor plan for the "Coelho Amendment"|
to the 1990 Americans With Disabilities Act.
Reports from close to Mr. Coelho and other ADA insiders indicates that the new plan is to make ALL public bathrooms single person stalls with open access and video taped hand washing areas. "This small change will mean that people's hand washing habits will be monitored leading top CDC administrators and Emory University Ebola researchers to articulate their support for the proposed 'Coelho Amendment' to the ADA," said Dr. Constance Crystal Washer of PFWWBNOH, People For Well Washed, But Not Overly Washed, Hands, a New York-based support group of former Hughes Tool Company and TransWorld Airways employees recovering for Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.
Each stall will have a simple twist-latch for privacy that reads "Occupied-M", "Occupied-W" or "Occupied-T", but simply "Vacant" when unoccupied. Mr. Coelho's new company incorporated in Delaware and named MWT, Inc. is expected to profit nicely from the alterations in ADA requirements. Meanwhile, a Canadian company specializing in face recognition software in which Coelho is reported to have heavily invested named ImagisZapper, Inc. has already patented proprietary software for identifying sex offenders who might enter the common hand-washing area. Once there, when the sex offenders are identified, software sends a silent alarm to store security personnel for what was initially a monthly monitoring fee of between $3,000-$7500 per month per retail facility. "This was cost prohibitive," said Simon Peter Anghler, who reported to have negotiated a per incident fee of $300 per positively identified sex offender interdicted in the common area and a $750/mo base-charge. "We are so glad that the progress continues and that we will have turned a simple common area into a place of uncommon security and safety," said Anghler who noted that an even simpler way to monitor activity is with the placement of a small identity chip under a person's skin in the shoulder region or, better still, the coming nano-particle "grain-tracker" that flows through all future U.S. water supplies like cholorine or floride.
Critics say that the ADA legislation should not be altered and used to identify healthy and fully functioning heterosexual, bisexual, gay and lesbian or trans-gendered individuals labeling them as "disabled". "Why can't the latches just say 'Occupied' and "Vacant'?" Anghler noted that the latches correspond with the facial recognition software to help people be consistent in their sexual identity should they forget which they are. "People need all the help they can get these days and should a court case ever require it we'll have a video of their hand washing habits, history of offenses and self-identified personal sexual preferences. Well, as I see it, when it comes to this area of our existence we could all be termed 'disabled' at some level, so why all the hub-bub?" asked Anghler. "Yes," said Rev. Dwyer in agreement stating "Beware you think you stand lest you fall....for a trans-gendered person with brown eyes and blonde hair."