Sunday, May 15, 2011
ERIK PRINCE OF UNITED EMIRATES
America's Lawrence of Arabia
by Salubi Bodidobi for CPW News Services
Actress Mia Farrow once met with Erik Prince of Blackwater Security in an attempt to protect refugees in Darfur, but with the announcement that Prince's new company XE Services may be putting down revolts against the UAE's royal family, Farrow is reportedly calling for Prince's exorcism. "I feel like I really was Rosemary and that I birthed a monster named Erik Prince," said Farrow.
Blackwater moved its headquarters out of the U.S. and changed its name after it received criticism following the accidental killing of 17 Iraqi civilians in 2007 and when it sent an under-equipped and under-supported team of retired U.S. Special Forces recruits into an ambush where their bodies were hung from an Iraqi bridge after being burned.
"That was before my conversion to the Reincarno-Islamic faith," said Prince. "God Almighty has spoken to me in a dream outside of Abu Dhabi as I walked on blistering hot sand in a stinging sandstorm that made my eyes feel like dirt dobber nests," said Prince. "When I regained my sight I realized I am the reincarnated Crown Prince Erikapanashadi," said Prince who graduated from the Free Will Baptist college, Hillsdale College, in Hillsdale, Michigan. "I always dreamed of being a king or prince or just a Knight Templar. It was my ancient role to lead the people of the Emirates to freedom by following their ancient monarchs into the everlasting bliss of heavenly monarchical-worship and eternal subservience," said Prince whose father became wealthy by inventing that essential car accessory...the flip open sun visor mirror. "Prince had attempted to follow in his father's footsteps by inventing a similar sun visor mirror for motorcycles, but he was frustrated by the fact that motorcycles had no sun visors and so he turned to blowing things up instead," said high school classmate, Sidney Weaver.
Other friends of Princes' in Michigan say that Prince was forever playing with the car mirrors his father invented saying "I see you Erikapanashadi" and that he would dress up in a bed sheet and pretend he was riding a camel through his Michigan neighborhood, but that he didn't know what it meant until he was caught in the desert sand storm in the UAE. "Prior to that desert experience he had quit fixating on the Erikapanashadi thing when the sheet he was wearing got caught in the chain sprocket of his bicycle and flipped him head first against a fire hydrant," said Jimmy Winkleman a friend of Prince's since the fourth grade.
At Hillsdale, after joining a chapter of the Church of Scientology which threatened his expulsion until he convinced the Dean of Students, Dr. Bennie T. Ayres, that he had free will to do whatever he wanted. Prince began to take a keen interest in ongoing Scientology classes and e-meter evaluations and counseling in order to get back to his perfect Thetan state...a divine being that through centuries of birth and rebirth became "unclear" and must be rediscovered through hourly e-meter sessions that can prove quite costly for religious neophytes. During these sessions the neophyte uncovers his true identity, with hourly sessions costing anywhere from $30-100 depending on the counselors ability to surmise the student's financial resources. In Erik's case he was regularly charged $250/hour and had to move through 1200 prior Thetans before getting to Erikapanashadi," said former Scientologist counselor Mervin P. Wilberson who is now Betty Jean Wilber of Chicago, Illinois. "Erik use to tell me 'at least I have your help in finding out who and what I am, poor General George Patton only went as far back as some Roman General," said Miss Wilber. "Erik believes he went back to a Thetan in the 42 Quaternium of the Amconbolical Era. Which as you know is a very long time," she concluded.
This week Prince, whose Blackwater Security faced the media and public relations problems in Iraq, has relocated his corporate offices to the United Arab Emirates and has been employed by the UAE's Crown Prince in his bid to maintain stability in his nation which like Egypt, Libya, Syria, Tunisia and other nations in the region are either in the midst of or teetering on the brink of revolution. "We make a lot of money where there's alot of tettering," said an unnamed XE Services mercenary who goes by the nickname "Xyclopsis".
Xyclopsis said that "I thought I'd make a lot of money working for Erikanpanashadi but so far my company sponsored counseling sessions at XE Clearing Sessions Inc. are costing me more than half of my salary. My company counselor says that I have been reincarnated about 1100 times and that my real name is 'Washimannitar' who was a very early leader of a secret class of Zoarastrian warriors in the ancient Punjabi region of India."