Singer Rod Stewart Enters Rehab for Anglophilia and Leggy-Blond-Lust Syndrome

by Winsip Custer

He would never hide the fact that he has a thing for leggy blond women.   Aging rock star, Rod Stewart, has always favored tall, slender blond model-types.  It wasn't until he combined British militarism and imperialism in the song Rhythm of My Heart, with his fondness for blond women that his obsession for all things Anglo surfaced as a long undiagnosed mental disorder from which he is now seeking treatment under the watchful eye of the world's leading expert on Anglophilia and its heartbreaking effects.

"It was clear that Rod was infected with this not-so-rare form of self-loathing which masquerades as superiority from a very young age," said Dr. Hans Friederick Violeganese of the Prague Institute for New Paradigmatic Imagery.  "Rod's very name, which is phallic in and of itself, was something that he felt he had to live up to and being a strawberry blond, he projected his phobic apprehensions of male performance into his music and his dramatized ambition as a short Brit of Scottish heritage who climbs, like Sir Edmund Hillary, the pinnacle of his mother-race," said Dr. Violeganese from his walnut paneled office on the fourth floor of his Prague Institute.

Stewart had suspected that he was dealing with the abnormal psychology of this unique condition which finds its counterpart in the personality of deceased black American singer, Michael Jackson.  "Jackson shared Stewart's Anglophilia," said Dr. Violeganese, who continued..."but unlike Stewart, Jackson is not Anglo, but African.  It's basically an uncontrolled and irrational obsession with packaging.  Years ago I cured the CEO of the Madison Avenue advertising and public relations firm, Foote, Cone and Belding, who had the purely commercial form of this disorder.... BBBS.

"Bigger better bull sxxx?" I asked the good Dr. who chuckled.

"Close," he said.  "The Bigger Better Box Syndrome."

Dr. Violeganese explained that not all race-based lusting and loathing aims at conquering the idealized mother of that race. "For some men it's not a leggy lust that is operative, but a lust for the shorter and dumpier figures that are the focus of that races' idealized motherhood.  Pygmies come to mind as well as some examples from the Italian and Hispanic cultures especially where pizza and burritos are savored.  However, even this seems to give way to a generalized male attraction for tall and thin that is hard-wired into the masculine propensity to want to be providers.  Provisioning is rooted in taking something thin and making it fatter...as with a snake that is fed a rat....or a woman with child....another form of provisioning...which leads us to the obvious conclusion that the Biblical story of the snake in the Garden of Eden enticing the naked Eve with food...an apple....appeals to Adam's innate desire to be a provider," said Dr. Violeganese.  Violeganese noted that Rod's handlers in one of the videos of Rhythm of My Hearhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbZEyqd9AEwt had panned Rod's audience through Roman columns and then put the scrotum-like bladder of a Scottish bagpipe in the hands of his leggy blond girlfriend who is simultaneously fingering the pipe's long chanter as the British Union Jack waves from the screen above them.

"The Nubian singers march in lockstep as Rod sings 'never will I roam for I know my place is home,' which is hardly believable for any nation of empire builders like the Brits.  They roamed and roamed and longed of being Rome. Delusional thinking always accompanies this combination of disorders, especially where short men and LBL or Leggy Blond Lust is concerned.  In reality the Scots used the bagpipe as a symbol of resistance to the British Empire," said Dr. Violeganese.  "As the ancient Scots played the original version of the melody of Stewart's song, Loch Lomond, they were thinking and visioning to their hated British opponents 'come and blow me!"

"So sex is not based in the simple need to promulgate the human species?" I asked Dr. Violeganese.  "That's correct.  It's something much more complex and Stewart's obsession with Anglo culture is quite common.  After all, the  prevailing culture, and by that I mean militarily dominant one, sets the standards and that was true when it was the Greeks, Romans, French or Spanish.  In Nazi Germany and in Japan's Empire of the Sun it would have been true for them, too.  The Romans were masterful at celebrating the conquered people while reminding them that they were conquered.  The world of the future must abandon this adolescent practice.  At some point people have to accept the fact that we are 99.99 percent the same and that the .01 per cent that's different is altogether inconsequential.  This is the attitude that will inform mental health in the future because without it we have no future," said Dr. Violeganese.

When asked what Dr. Violeganese would do to help Rod overcome this tragic malady he said "I have encouraged him to do a new Latin and Pan African album with songs like the Brazilian Bossa Nova, The Girl From Ipanema"......you know the one....."Tall and tan and dark and lovely the girl from Ipanema goes walking and when she passes each one she passes goes 'ahhhhhhhhhhh'.  I have suggested a number of other similar songs like There Is A Rose In Spanish Harlem and Crystal Gayle's classic country number Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue, and Huddie Ledbetter's Black Betty  plus one that I wrote in my spare time.....I'm an amateur music writer.....called A Rose By Any Other Color.  But the recovery rate is sadly very low for this combination of symbiotic abnormalities," said Dr. Violeganese who put Rod's full recovery at about 80/20.