Eye-Opening Perspectives for Heroic Hearts

Eye-Opening Perspectives for Heroic Hearts

Monday, April 18, 2011


Average American Home Has 15,000 Items

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

If you died today in the typical American home you'd be surrounded by 15,000 items.  Trinkets.  Gizmos. What-nots.  Do-Dads.  What-cha-ma-call-its.  That's roughly double the number of pieces of individual parts in a totally disassembled and meticulously engineered car.  Fed up with the maintenance on these dust collecting items, people are beginning to downsize. Take Gilmer Wizzleburger of Spokane, Washington, whose wife filed for divorce after he burned three hundred pounds of family photo albums after downloading all 1553 photos onto his wife's laptop while backing them up on Carbonite.  "Who needed the albums anymore?" asked Gilmer.

Gilmer Wizzleburger of
Spokane, Washington
returning to the
simple life with
Swiss Army Kitchen
"When I learned that the average house had that many items in it I did some serious reflecting on the whole matter. My wife had asked me to clean out the swimming pool for the summer and bring the whole thing up to summer-time perfection and so I did that on a weekend in April.  While I was back washing the pool she stepped outside and began blasting me for the sad shape of the plants and shrubbery and being the cowardly chicken herder that I am I jump into gear and started raking leaves and then ran off to Lowes for some some plants and garden tools and seed and weed killer and fertilizer and a bunch of other what-cha-ma-call-its and left the pool pump in the backwash mode.  Burned up the damn motor and nearly drained the pool dry while my wife was inside watching television.  The Life Time Movie Channel.  That's when I decided to call my buddies in town to meet them at the bar.  Rufus Collins said that he had read that the average motorcycle has half the parts of the average car.  Perry Wismueller said that he read that the average frontiersman had less than twenty items that he felt he absolutely could not live without.  So we're all selling our houses and getting our stream lined lives in order.  We call ourselves the SL1000's," he said.

"That stands for 1000 items and a simpler life style," said Wizzleburger who has created a software program for helping their members reach the 1000 mark.  He has been offered a contract with a computer software company that believes that it can market the product for just under twenty dollars while automatically linking the photos of the items to Craigslist and Ebay.  That potentially lucrative contract has become the main object in the Wizzleburger's disputed divorce settlement.  Mildred Wizzleburger claims that since the majority of the items that prompted Gilmer's idea were hers, that Gilmer should only get 1/15th of the contract's value.

"That witch can have it all," said Gilmer who is reportedly working on a new patented invention for the kitchen.  Called the Swiss Army Kitchen Komando, the tool promises to be the only utensil a kitchen needs besides pots, pans, glasses, cups, saucers and silverware.  It contains a strainer, spatula, butcher knife, corkscrew, potato masher, carrot peeler, knife sharpener that can be used on its own butcher knife, reusable coffee filter, lime juicer and twenty-five other indispensable kitchen tools.  "It smaller than you'd think and can fit nicely into my Harley Davidson saddlebag," said Wizzleburger.

No comments:

Post a Comment