Royal Wedding Crashed By Mystery Woman

Mystery Woman Finds Front Row Seat at 

Royal Wedding

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

Trying to get into the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton without an invitation would be like gaining entrance to Fort Knox at midnight. "This has us all scratching our heads," said Winston Brown Remington IV, head of security at Westminster Cathedral. "This is probably going to cost me my job which my father, his father, his father and his father before that filled without incident."

Mr. Remington's wife said "This is horrible. What am I going to tell our children? Winston Brown Remington V was so hoping to be head of security at the historic church where the tombs of Charles Darwin, William Wilberforce, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Robert Browning, David Livingston, Rudyard Kipling, Sir Issac Newton and Oliver Cromwell, among the most notable, are buried.

"As it turned out it was Margaret Stuart O'Flannery Cromwell Wallace," said Mrs. Remington. "She is a descendant of Oliver Cromwell and William Wallace and she has been trying to crash important royal events for several years. I don't think that the entire fiasco should rest on my poor husband's shoulders. If MI-5 and MI-6 can't keep this woman at bay why would they expect a church security guard to be able to do so?" asked Mrs. Remington who said that she was in the market for a new flat for her family of five, but was hopeful of keeping her job as Assistant to the Ministry of Bronze, Brass and Marble Polishing at the historic cathedral.

Prince William's Coat Has World Seeing Red

Future British Monarch's Faux Pas Brings Ire of Indians, Irish and Paul Revere Society

by Wendy Buehlchettor for CPW News Service

While Westminster Cathedral's guests to the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton basked in the tradition of a red coated prince and future monarch of the British Empire, others were infuriated by Prince William's red coat like a Spanish bull facing a matador's cape.

In Boston thousands organized by the Paul Revere Society gathered at Independence Hall at 3:00 a.m. and protested Prince William's inflammatory attire.  "We find it grotesque.  That red coat is the symbol of the British brutality against humanity in India, Ireland, Africa, America and the Orient," said Willie O'Toole, the president of the Irish Against Red Coats, a 100 year old drinking group that has a reputation for dyeing red coats black as part of their monthly binge at O'Toole's Pub in South Boston.

Fearing world-wide negative reaction to a red coat,
Buckingham Palace wisely rejected the historic
 symbol of British domination in the wedding of
William's father and mother.

In Mumbai, India thousands protested the red coat worn by Prince William by soaking a red coat in salt.  The British monopoly on salt  in India triggered Mahatmas Gandhi's liberation from British rule.  In South Africa and Zimbabwe school boys urinated on photos of Cecil Rhodes and past  Kings and Queens of England

In other American cities thousand of protesters boiled  red coats in kettles of hot  tea yelling "I'd rather be dead than red" and "roses are red, violets are blue, hey Prince William, shame on you."

Austrailian, Mel Gibson, whose two blockbuster films, Brave Heart and The Patriot, made clear the opposition of the Scots, Irish and Americans to the red coats said "this was obviously an attempt to reassert Britain's sense of world dominance and entitlement.  Williams' bride is a year older than he is and just like his father's passion for an older woman who will take care of him, Carmela Parker Bowles, William must be expecting that he is entitled to something that past generations of freedom fighters across the globe, including William Wallace, George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Paul Revere, Benjamin Franklin, Gandhi and others have stripped from the British monarchs and other dictators and tyrants.  Real men marry much younger women and provide for them even if it proves a little stressful," said Gibson from his modest apartment in Beverly Hills.


On a sad note, Angus O'Donnell and his wife, Betty O'Malley O'Donnell of South Boston,  ended their thirty five year marriage when Betty said that she loved Prince William and that Angus had no legitimate reason for attacking the young prince's attire. "I was pregnant with our son when Princess Diana was pregnant with William.  Lady Diana and I went through so much together."


Neighbors close to the O'Donnell's said that it was then that Angus yelled "And Diana's dead", then pulled out a pistol and shot his wife at point blank range six times.

Organic Honeybaked Hams Reaches Out to Muslims and Jews

Advertising Firm Says Changing Economy Requires Aggressive Ads

Hassidic Jews entering Honeybaked store.

by Winsip Custer

"Organic Honeybaked.  At Long Last!," is the simple message of the new print, radio and television ads produced by Honeybaked Hams' Madison Avenue public relations firm of Ghee, Monizee and Crimoney or GMC, Inc..

"The whole world is changing and it's high time that with the democratization of the globe that we elevate the lowly hog," said Ralph Yorkshire of GMC.  There will be some resistance to this change in culture, but it's not like we're killing Hindu cattle and forcing them to eat their god," said Yorkshire whose 1997 ad campaign to open India for Whataburger was jerked when the ad "Sacred Cows Make Gourmet Burgers," led to the burning of the first Whataburger store in Madras.

Rabbi Hymen Stahl of Bethany, NY said "we have united with the Muslims on this issue and are seeking ways to remove this offensive ad from magazines, radio and television."

Singer Rod Stewart Enters Rehab for Anglophilia and Leggy-Blond-Lust Syndrome

by Winsip Custer

He would never hide the fact that he has a thing for leggy blond women.   Aging rock star, Rod Stewart, has always favored tall, slender blond model-types.  It wasn't until he combined British militarism and imperialism in the song Rhythm of My Heart, with his fondness for blond women that his obsession for all things Anglo surfaced as a long undiagnosed mental disorder from which he is now seeking treatment under the watchful eye of the world's leading expert on Anglophilia and its heartbreaking effects.

"It was clear that Rod was infected with this not-so-rare form of self-loathing which masquerades as superiority from a very young age," said Dr. Hans Friederick Violeganese of the Prague Institute for New Paradigmatic Imagery.  "Rod's very name, which is phallic in and of itself, was something that he felt he had to live up to and being a strawberry blond, he projected his phobic apprehensions of male performance into his music and his dramatized ambition as a short Brit of Scottish heritage who climbs, like Sir Edmund Hillary, the pinnacle of his mother-race," said Dr. Violeganese from his walnut paneled office on the fourth floor of his Prague Institute.

Stewart had suspected that he was dealing with the abnormal psychology of this unique condition which finds its counterpart in the personality of deceased black American singer, Michael Jackson.  "Jackson shared Stewart's Anglophilia," said Dr. Violeganese, who continued..."but unlike Stewart, Jackson is not Anglo, but African.  It's basically an uncontrolled and irrational obsession with packaging.  Years ago I cured the CEO of the Madison Avenue advertising and public relations firm, Foote, Cone and Belding, who had the purely commercial form of this disorder.... BBBS.

"Bigger better bull sxxx?" I asked the good Dr. who chuckled.

"Close," he said.  "The Bigger Better Box Syndrome."

Dr. Violeganese explained that not all race-based lusting and loathing aims at conquering the idealized mother of that race. "For some men it's not a leggy lust that is operative, but a lust for the shorter and dumpier figures that are the focus of that races' idealized motherhood.  Pygmies come to mind as well as some examples from the Italian and Hispanic cultures especially where pizza and burritos are savored.  However, even this seems to give way to a generalized male attraction for tall and thin that is hard-wired into the masculine propensity to want to be providers.  Provisioning is rooted in taking something thin and making it fatter...as with a snake that is fed a rat....or a woman with child....another form of provisioning...which leads us to the obvious conclusion that the Biblical story of the snake in the Garden of Eden enticing the naked Eve with food...an apple....appeals to Adam's innate desire to be a provider," said Dr. Violeganese.  Violeganese noted that Rod's handlers in one of the videos of Rhythm of My Hearhttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sbZEyqd9AEwt had panned Rod's audience through Roman columns and then put the scrotum-like bladder of a Scottish bagpipe in the hands of his leggy blond girlfriend who is simultaneously fingering the pipe's long chanter as the British Union Jack waves from the screen above them.

"The Nubian singers march in lockstep as Rod sings 'never will I roam for I know my place is home,' which is hardly believable for any nation of empire builders like the Brits.  They roamed and roamed and longed of being Rome. Delusional thinking always accompanies this combination of disorders, especially where short men and LBL or Leggy Blond Lust is concerned.  In reality the Scots used the bagpipe as a symbol of resistance to the British Empire," said Dr. Violeganese.  "As the ancient Scots played the original version of the melody of Stewart's song, Loch Lomond, they were thinking and visioning to their hated British opponents 'come and blow me!"

"So sex is not based in the simple need to promulgate the human species?" I asked Dr. Violeganese.  "That's correct.  It's something much more complex and Stewart's obsession with Anglo culture is quite common.  After all, the  prevailing culture, and by that I mean militarily dominant one, sets the standards and that was true when it was the Greeks, Romans, French or Spanish.  In Nazi Germany and in Japan's Empire of the Sun it would have been true for them, too.  The Romans were masterful at celebrating the conquered people while reminding them that they were conquered.  The world of the future must abandon this adolescent practice.  At some point people have to accept the fact that we are 99.99 percent the same and that the .01 per cent that's different is altogether inconsequential.  This is the attitude that will inform mental health in the future because without it we have no future," said Dr. Violeganese.

When asked what Dr. Violeganese would do to help Rod overcome this tragic malady he said "I have encouraged him to do a new Latin and Pan African album with songs like the Brazilian Bossa Nova, The Girl From Ipanema"......you know the one....."Tall and tan and dark and lovely the girl from Ipanema goes walking and when she passes each one she passes goes 'ahhhhhhhhhhh'.  I have suggested a number of other similar songs like There Is A Rose In Spanish Harlem and Crystal Gayle's classic country number Don't It Make My Brown Eyes Blue, and Huddie Ledbetter's Black Betty  plus one that I wrote in my spare time.....I'm an amateur music writer.....called A Rose By Any Other Color.  But the recovery rate is sadly very low for this combination of symbiotic abnormalities," said Dr. Violeganese who put Rod's full recovery at about 80/20.

GIVE ME THE SIMPLE LIFE

Average American Home Has 15,000 Items

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

If you died today in the typical American home you'd be surrounded by 15,000 items.  Trinkets.  Gizmos. What-nots.  Do-Dads.  What-cha-ma-call-its.  That's roughly double the number of pieces of individual parts in a totally disassembled and meticulously engineered car.  Fed up with the maintenance on these dust collecting items, people are beginning to downsize. Take Gilmer Wizzleburger of Spokane, Washington, whose wife filed for divorce after he burned three hundred pounds of family photo albums after downloading all 1553 photos onto his wife's laptop while backing them up on Carbonite.  "Who needed the albums anymore?" asked Gilmer.

Gilmer Wizzleburger of
Spokane, Washington
returning to the
simple life with
Swiss Army Kitchen
Komando

"When I learned that the average house had that many items in it I did some serious reflecting on the whole matter. My wife had asked me to clean out the swimming pool for the summer and bring the whole thing up to summer-time perfection and so I did that on a weekend in April.  While I was back washing the pool she stepped outside and began blasting me for the sad shape of the plants and shrubbery and being the cowardly chicken herder that I am I jump into gear and started raking leaves and then ran off to Lowes for some some plants and garden tools and seed and weed killer and fertilizer and a bunch of other what-cha-ma-call-its and left the pool pump in the backwash mode.  Burned up the damn motor and nearly drained the pool dry while my wife was inside watching television.  The Life Time Movie Channel.  That's when I decided to call my buddies in town to meet them at the bar.  Rufus Collins said that he had read that the average motorcycle has half the parts of the average car.  Perry Wismueller said that he read that the average frontiersman had less than twenty items that he felt he absolutely could not live without.  So we're all selling our houses and getting our stream lined lives in order.  We call ourselves the SL1000's," he said.

"That stands for 1000 items and a simpler life style," said Wizzleburger who has created a software program for helping their members reach the 1000 mark.  He has been offered a contract with a computer software company that believes that it can market the product for just under twenty dollars while automatically linking the photos of the items to Craigslist and Ebay.  That potentially lucrative contract has become the main object in the Wizzleburger's disputed divorce settlement.  Mildred Wizzleburger claims that since the majority of the items that prompted Gilmer's idea were hers, that Gilmer should only get 1/15th of the contract's value.

"That witch can have it all," said Gilmer who is reportedly working on a new patented invention for the kitchen.  Called the Swiss Army Kitchen Komando, the tool promises to be the only utensil a kitchen needs besides pots, pans, glasses, cups, saucers and silverware.  It contains a strainer, spatula, butcher knife, corkscrew, potato masher, carrot peeler, knife sharpener that can be used on its own butcher knife, reusable coffee filter, lime juicer and twenty-five other indispensable kitchen tools.  "It smaller than you'd think and can fit nicely into my Harley Davidson saddlebag," said Wizzleburger.

Haley Barbour's Comet-like Persuasion Gives Barber's Clip to Mississippi Homeless

By Winsip Custer CPW News Service

If there was any question about how the unholy triad of state Governors Haley Barbour, Scott Walker and Richard Scott would use a federal block grant for the administration of Medicaid dollars, Americans have only to look at Barbour's handling of Katrina funding earmarked for housing. When thousands of Mississippians lost their homes to Katrina and remained in FEMA trailers, a $600 million grant earmarked for housing was commandeered and diverted for the expansion of a state owned port project including casino and resort facilities.

Mississippi Governor Hailey Barbour

With strong objections from congressional Democrats the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson sent a letter to Mississippi Governor Barbour approving the diversion saying that the "congressional language" gave Jackson little discretion to prohibit the Governor's action which equated to socialism for the very rich while letting the poor "eat cake".

Opponents of Barbour, the Mississippi Republican turned lobbyist, then governor, included Sister Martha Milner. Milner, a Catholic nun and experienced housing advocate said of Jackson's approval of Barbour's blatant bludgeoning of the bi-lateral decision that provided for the initial federal grant, "It's just insanity, true insanity."

Despite strong objections from housing activists and two powerful congressional Democrats, U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Alphonso Jackson sent the Mississippi Governor the letter approving the $600 million diversion.

Milner who was serving on the board of the Steps Coalition, an outspoken voice along the Gulf Coast against the redirection of the funds was opposed by Gulfport Mayor Brent Warr who said "In order to remain a viable port, we have to do a good job with this repair and redevelopment."  Warr faced his own problems with fraud when he was convicted of lying about a $222,000 FEMA claim on a home that was not his primary residence while promoting the redirecting of FEMA's $600 million away from those far less fortunate than Warr.  He was found guilty, had to repay FEMA's money, do 100 hours of community service time and spend three years on probation.

President George W. Bush and Brent Warr, mayor of
Gulfport after Hurricane Katrina and before Mayor Warr's
criminal conviction for defrauding FEMA.

Barney Neadmoore of Biloxi came up with a plan that was flatly rejected by the Barbour administration.  "Our coalition of displaced workers, the Greater Biloxi Coalition of the Willing and Able, came up with the perfect solution.  Housing would be provided in the casinos.  The roulette and craps tables would be used for gaming except for the hours of four to eight a.m. when employees would sleep on them, but we wanted the federal tax dollars to also open the doors to partial employee ownership of the renovated casinos.  We were all willing to do our part on four hours of sleep a night to have a job and a place to stay that didn't smell like those damn formaldehyde-filled FEMA trailers," said Neadmoore.

That was before the BP oil spill which further ravaged the Mississippi Gulf Coast and turned the prospects of making Gulfport a tourist Mecca into a punchline in a few hundred comedy club routines across the nation. "Barbour's misspelled his name. It's Barber," said Biloxi Comedy Club's Shecky Blue, "cause he'll give you a  clip and shave you'll never forget."

Sister Martha Milner was joined in her criticism of Barbour by Father Michael Gabriel Israel of the Christian Friends of the Mississippi Marshes and Wetlands. A strong proponent of marshland baptisms, before the loss of a thirty-five year old mother of two to a sixteen foot alligator during a baptism on Lake Pontchartrain in 1997, Father Israel refocused his ministry on wildlife habitat reclamation and affordable human housing.   The young mother's body was never recovered and the gator was never found.  Father Israel, whom some call "Dr. Doolittle-Habitat-for-Humanity",  said "I disagree with Sister Milner's assessment of Governor Barbour. He's not insane. Possessed, yes. Insane? No. There's nothing wrong with Haley Barbour that a forty day fast and exorcism couldn't fix," said Israel who also expressed concern for proposed legislation for Federal block grants that would give states a no-string-attached and easily redirected Medicaid cash infusion into state budgets.

Father Michael Gabriel Israel who lost his left
eye in a battle with a 16 foot alligator
on Lake Pontchartrain in June of 1997.

Meanwhile, in a straw poll of GOP Presidential contenders conducted over the weekend in Charleston, South Carolina, Haley Barbour came out ahead of Mitt Romney, Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee and others. "Good God, y'all," yelled Father Israel upon hearing the results of the informal poll.  The angry and increasingly disenchanted priest immediately put in an emergency call to the Vatican in hopes of employing the leading exorcist, Father Jesus Peter Paul David Mendoza and a dozen members of Opus Dei to assist Governor Barbour on his unscheduled 40 day fast and personal improvement retreat to an undisclosed location somewhere outside of New Orleans.  "At the end of his retreat I plan to baptize Haley at a secret and sacred locale on Lake Pontchartrain," said Father Israel.

THE UNHOLY TRIAD OF BARBOUR,WALKER, SCOTT: MISSISSIPPI, WISCONSIN, FLORIDA BURNING

Block Grants To Fix Medicare/Medicaid's Wagon?

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service Inc.

The conservative proposal to turn Federal Medicare and Medicaid funding into a block-grant program for the states is supported by Governors Hailey Barbour of Mississippi, Scott Walker of Wisconsin and Rick Scott of Florida, but  has millions of American questioning the mental health of Fox News, conservative  political leaders and other major media news outlets that are promoting their proposal as a serious solution to the nation's health care challenges.  The nonpartisan Congressional Budget Office estimates that the Barbour/Walker/Scott plan as presented by Rep. Ryan's proposal would cut $180 billion from federal Medicaid spending from 2013 to 2020, others say that this proposal is shortsighted from an economic as well as a health-care perspective.  Opponents to the Barbour/Walker/Scott proposal believe a Federal block grant to the states would not only be detrimental to the health of millions of Americans but also cost three million jobs-jeopardizing our economic recovery.  Others say giving such a block grant to Mississippi, Wisconsin and Florida would be the equivalent of giving Pretty Boy Floyd, John Dillinger and Al Capone the keys to a bank.

Unholy triad: Mississippi's Haley Barbour, Florida's Rick Scott and
Wisconsin's Scott Walker

Visiting Fellow Leslie Russell at the Center for American Progress noted in an earlier column:

Medicaid is one of the most effective and efficient forms of economic stimulus. Every dollar spent generates new dollars that pass from one person to another in successive rounds of spending. This multiplier effect means that Medicaid spending provides a greater boost to the state economy than the value of the services purchased directly by the Medicaid program.

Rogers M. Romano of the watchdog group Health Care Options gave a more pointed assessment of the Barbour/Walker/Scott triad.

"I can't imagine a more sinister association of shysters. If it wasn't so serious it would be comical, but this isn't the Three Stooges or the Marx Brothers. There hasn't been anything like this since Hitler, Hirohito and Mussolini.  Consider their origins.  Barbour from Mississippi.  Walker from Wisconsin and Scott from Florida (and Texas before that). Mississippi Burning!  Wisconsin is home of slash-and-burn-wing-nut, Senator Joseph McCarthy and Florida? That's the state that hired as its Governor the recipient of the largest Medicare/Medicaid fraud fine in U.S. History.  Scott said on Fox News Fox & Friends on Friday that he could fix the problems of Florida's poor with a block grant from the Feds and that if he didn't fix it the people of Florida wouldn't re-elect him.  Yea, right, in the state that swings ballot chads like they're strippers' tassels. This is the three little pigs, the three blind mice and Huey, Dewey and Louis rolled into one and they're ducking all the obvious questions.  America WAKE UP!"

Using data from Families USA, Russell estimated that every $1 million in federal Medicaid spending results in 17.1 new jobs. Cutting federal spending on Medicaid, then, means cutting jobs. If we apply the same formula to Ryan's Medicaid block grant proposal, it would mean a loss of nearly 3.1 million jobs from 2013 to 2020. Here's the math:

$180,000 million x 17.1 jobs = 3,078,000

But Romano claims that the more serious issue is the loss of America's common sense in entertaining leadership from this unholy alliance.  "Who was the head of Medicare and Medicaid when Rick Scott was sticking it to the system?  The brother of George W. Bush's White House spokesperson.... Mark McClellan.  So if Scott's fraud fine was $1.7 billion and his severance pay was almost $400 million how much money was siphoned off from the taxpayers? And he wants a block grant?  Please!" said Romano.

Laura Ingraham's Tomboyish Past

School Yard Bullies Were Pounded by Laura Ingraham

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

There was nothing recessive about Laura Ingraham's fifth grade recess attacks on schoolyard bullies according to her elementary teacher, Miss Beulah Poole.  "Laura was called our 'little enforcer'," said Miss Poole, now ninety seven and living in a retirement home in Fort Pierce, Florida.

Laura Ingraham's 5th Grade Teacher

"Laura would bring a hand full of rubber bands to class and during recess she would run up to Jimmy Throckmorton and fire a rubber band up his nose after he attacked either Wilmer Willis or little Billy Bammerman.  I always thought that Laura would make a good fighter pilot in the Navy or Air Force, but she apparently decided that the microphone is mightier than the pen or Sidewinder missile," said Miss Poole.

"Once she hit Throckmorton in the groin with a croquette mallet and sent him to the hospital for two days,' said Poole who listens to the conservative radio talk show host religiously.  "I don't agree with half of what she says, but just knowing that I had that ballsy little twit in my class keeps my interest up and I don't have much else to do at my age.  When I heard that she was supporting the cutting of funding for public education I thought.....'now that's gratitude for you,  I should have taken her rubber bands away and let Throckmorton pummel her," said the retired public school teacher.

Iman al Obeidi Needed Lorena Bobbit's New Invention

New Personal Protection Device God-Send for Women

By Winsip Custer CPW News Service

With the bold steps taken by Muslim women in Libya and other oppressive environments, Lorena Bobbit has announced that a new women's defense against male aggression is finding a vibrant and previously untapped market.  Called simply Lorena's Bob-It, the device is worn by women fearful that they may be violated by men in the war ravaged nations across the Middle East...Syria, Bahrain, Libya, Sudan, Lebanon, they are also popping up in other nations as well.

"This is a God-send said Sila Mohammad of Beirut, Lebanon.  I am no longer fearful of being attacked by a man since I have a secret weapon.  I have bought several of the devices and have given them to my friends and sisters," she said from the small health clinic in central Beirut where her former boyfriend was undergoing re-constructive surgery.

Bobbit maintains that the device is simple to use and is fool proof.  "Any woman who has ever popped a fly with a rubber band or shot a sling shot knows the principle.  Just pull and release.  Two simple actions and the Bob-It does the rest," said Sila in agreement with a pride that overshadowed any remorse over her failed relationship with the gentleman inside the clinic.

When asked if it was nicknamed the "wing dinger" Lorena said "that's what some have nicknamed it, but the official name is Bob-It."  The Bob-It sells for $9.95 or two for $14.99 plus shipping and handling.

Kiefer Sutherland, Hollywood and the Love of Kilts

Why Women Love 'Em

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

Mel Gibson, Sean Connery, Liam Neeson have all worn them with style and flair.  What's beneath the fascination with the traditional Scottish garb?  In a word....sex.  "Nothing is sexier than a man in a kilt," said a majority of women polled by the London pollster Dick Johnson & Associates.  "Yep, women are fascinated with men in kilts. There is a direct correlation between arousal and the sight of men especially in the traditional tartan plaid wool kilt.  On the other hand when fashion designers move from the tartans toward silk and chiffon in pastel colors there is clear indication that the arousal declines," said Johnson.

Woman admirer of Fat Bastard
at the Annual Dressed to Kilt
Event.

When a host of Hollywood hunks including Kiefer Sutherland and Daniel Patrick strutted their stuff in the 9th Annual Dressed to Kilt fashion show, a New York charity event, women lined the runway for hopes of a better view.  "We polled the women at ringside and they all said that even the surprise guest, Mike Myers, was a sexually arousing figure in his stunningly detailed 17th Century tartan attire," said Dick Johnson who seemed to take pride in providing a few quick flashings for the ladies while crossing his legs beneath his own McGinnis tartan plaid kilt.

GMAIL MOTION: NEW LANGUAGE FOR GOOGLE'S FLEXIBLE NEW WORLD

Body Language Glitch Threatens Gmail Program

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

A mouse is an endangered specie.  Google, claiming that the mouse and keyboard are forms of outworn technology has created a new language for it Gmail system.  With 80 percent of communication coming from body language rather than written or verbal messages, the time was ripe for the creation of a Gmail messaging system that uses a digital camera to instantly capture the senders commands via body language.

Google has announced, however that there are some common body motions that have caused Gmail to send emails to everyone in a contact list while other commands delete drafts or send several hundred copies to the intended receiver instead of the single message the sender intended.  Why these gestures have triggered these computer responses without prior instruction is baffleing to Google engineers.  In addition, some of the body motion required to give the simplest computer commands were deemed too difficult for some people.

"We are working night and day to correct the problems before we release the entire program for Gmail users said Google spokesperson Mahinda Ubannawhani.  "We hope to have the cause of these problems ironed out within a month," he said admitting that they should have used simpler body gestures in their product design from the beginning.  "I am sure that we were somewhat influenced by our lead Gmail Motion programmer and language architect,  Mohatmas Botmahuto, who grew up in a family of Sikh contortionists with the Mighty Punjab Circus."

Gmail Motion Commands from left to right: "Honey I'm Home",  "Pick up some
Blue Crabs at the seafood store", "Our Child did well in school today",
"Be Safe". 

For the video announcement of Google's new Gmail Motion language by Paul McDonald, Product Manager, before the discovery of the glitches see....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bu927_ul_X0

What Eva Longoria Owes Her Sister

They Must Have Been Cold

by Winsip Custer

Actress Eva Longoria

     Celebrity actress Eva Longoria's older sister has special needs, but compassion isn't one of them.  When someone took Liza Longoria's school letter jacket from her at school she told her famous sister "they must have been cold".....as in frigid, needy.  Eva's first response was for retaliation and a theft charge, but then she realized that  Liza's simple answer went to the heart of something Eva had heard all of her life in church...."if someone asks for your coat, give them your cloak as well."  It's an ethic that would make the world an instantly better place, but it took the eyes of a special needs sister to remind Eva of the life changing, mind altering power of love.

     While Eva Longoria's genetic makeup has been studied by geneticists who have linked her ancestry to violinist YoYo Ma in China, the Longoria family in Spain and to Mayans in Mexico and Central America, other geneticist's are refining methods for eliminating the chance of birthing future special needs children as if they are the reasons for the world's problems.  "On the contrary," said Fielding Wong DeLeonitus of the Society of Altruistic Attitudes in Seattle, Washington.

     "People who carry with them great challenges from the unexpected and unintended consequences and random occurrences of birth often act like a magnifying glass for others whose good fortune has blinded them to the deeper meaning of life.  Take the Down Syndrome class that stopped at the florist shop at Christmas to buy poinsettias for their mothers.  One girl pain-stakingly picked out not the prettiest one on  the shelf, but one that had crumpled red pedals and browning leaves. 'My mommy would like this one just as much as the others,' she told her classmates," said DeLeonitus.  "And she was, of course, right."

      I asked Mr. DeLeonitus if Eva Longoria wasn't overlooking the fact that the appropriator of Liza's coat hadn't asked for it, but simply took it.  "Those who don't ask and those who can't give will always be eclipsed by the simple altruism....unselfishness.... of Liza and others like her," said DeLeonitus.

Southwest Airlines Passenger Sucked Through Hole In Fuselage At 30,000 Feet

Former Eagle Scout Glad He Wore Parachute

by Winsip Custer

It was never reported to the media and a poll of Southwest Airlines employees making the trip to San Diego as members of the Go Southwest Airline! training event in May 2008 voted not to tell of the horrifying incident.  Given Southwest's history of maintenance priorities, employees' fears that they might loose their jobs and the fact that no one was seriously injured, influenced their voting.

"The aluminum skin above seat 37b peeled back like a sardine can and Jerry Luxembitsch was sucked out like my bi-weekly paycheck in the money tube at a drive-in bank window.  Sittin' there one second and pow-zip....gone," said Cindy Weed from her home in San Diego, California.

"The cut on my left shoulder took eight staples, but all in all I was better off than Senator John McCain after he broke both arms and a knee cap jettisoning from his A4 Skyhawk over Hanoi," said Luxembitsch who was anxious to tell about his Just In Case parachute which he will market through his own company called Just In Case for about $495.  

"I made it for me," said Luxembitsch, a flight attendant for Southwest for eight years.  "I kept hearing about the dangers of metal fatigue and that's when I made my first Just In Case parachute."  The device looks like a thin seat cushion which you sit on and buckle around your waist and shoulders," he explained with the enthusiasm of Charles Lindberg selling the attributes of the Spirit of St. Louis.

"When the skin popped open and I went flying I said to myself 'you brilliant SOB, you're gonna make a fortune off this thing as soon a people start hearing about the problems of metal fatigue on the ageing U.S. commercial air fleet.  I started putting together my business plan at about 20,000 feet," said Luxembitsch who also suffered frost bite on his nose, ears and fingertips, but whose business plan received funding from a venture capatal group of former Boeing Aircraft Company engineers in Seattle, Washington called Money-To-Spare, LLC.

Bracewell & Giuliani To Handle Suit Against Qaddaffi's Libyan Government for Iman al-Obeidi

Muslim Women Fed Up With Mistreatment

by Beulah Maude Hammerman for CPW News Services

Iman a-Obeidi claims that she was repeatedly raped by Libyan security forces paid by the Libyan government of Qaddafi. Hundreds of protesters, mainly women, joined in a wave of demonstrations aimed at showing support for the endangered woman who also claims that the uncovering of her story has brought death threats from pro Qaddafi forces. Signs of the protesters read "Iman you are not alone".

At least two Facebook pages have been established garnishing thousands of supporters worldwide for the embattled woman who has received calls from Lorena Bobbit explaining how she and other women could put a stop to the mistreatment of Libyan women in short order.

Lorena Bobbit called to offer Ms. al-Obeidi
and fellow Libyan women a simple
plan for curtailing rape.

Meanwhile, Bracewell & Giuliani Law firm's managing partner,  Patrick C. Oxford, phoned from Houston, Texas with an offer for his law firm to provide the international legal muscle to extract from the Qaddafi government generous recompense for the rape of Ms. al-Obeidi. Should her case not be adequately prosecuted in the Libyan courts or in the future courts of a newly organized Libyan government once Qaddafi's government is replaced by rebel forces, Bracewell & Giuliani plan on seeking a jury trial at the International Court, the Hague, Netherlands.

Former NY Mayor of Bracewell &
Giuliani to handle al-Obeidi case.

The powerful Texas law firm, which changed its name from Bracewell & Patterson to Bracewell & Giuliani with the addition of New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, also announced that the former New York Mayor would handle the courtroom battle as Ms. al-Obeidi's lead attorney.  

"It's the kind of case that an attorney of my nature and temperament could wait a lifetime to handle and never see.  I have no choice, but to bring my years of legal and political expertise and the full force of the international community's desire to see justice in this case to the aide of Ms. al-Obeidi," said Mayor Giuliani from his Times Square office in Mid-Town Manhattan.

The Illusion of Interconnectivity: MicroSoft and MegaHard Reality of Technology

Worldwide Web Gives Illusion of Freedom

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

The Worldwide Web promises nearly instantaneous connections, but it is a jealous god.  A very legalistic one.  Put the wrong access codes into your Microsoft account and a simple download that promises state of the art productivity turns minutes into grueling hours and co-worker relationships and marriages into a barrage of finger pointing.

A graduate student is forced by the cut in education programs to use an old version of Windows Office, but has bought a new computer with which to take their on-line course in micro-biology, but cannot prepare the power point presentation because the new computer version of Office requires the previous version to be uninstalled using the earlier version's cd which has been lost.  No easy step to cure the problem is handy.  Hours turn into days and the aspiring micro-biologist drops the course out of pure frustration with the techno-beast.

Chanting Egyptians with thousands of camera equipped cell phones lead a riot on the streets of Cairo and continue a wave of revolutions that began earlier in Tunisia and quickly spread to Libya, Yemen, Syria, Bahrain and Jordan.  The Internet promises liberation, freedom and connectedness, but does it deliver?

At the heart of connectivity is shared values.  If the parties holding two cans connected by a string, a Trans-Atlantic copper cable that passes the dots and dashes of Samuel F.B. Morse's code or satellite picture phones connected two warring parties they may still be at war.  

"Something greater than technology is needed to bring the promise of connectivity to light," said 101 year old, Swami Mahatma Churchill Merton, of the Ashram For World Understanding in Boogalnabi, India. 

  

The Golden Rule In Thirteen
Major World Religions

"A state of the art GPS tracking system can bring emergency medical workers or a missile to your doorstep.  It can bring information that promotes hearts of one accord or triggers emotions of fear and loathing.  The secret rests not in the wires and electrodes and silicon chips, but in the human heart and mind.  Every major religion of the world has its version of the Golden Rule and until all people practice it with greater effectiveness, we are a well-connected, but doomed,  specie on a wirelessly-linked web of tightening distrust," said the aged Swami.  


"I favor an international coalition of nations that strictly observe separation of church and state and no religion shall be allowed to exist that does not demonstrate a passing grade in observing the Golden Rule.  That would mean hitting the mark at least 60% of the time.  For those 40% who choose enmity over unity I say treat them as they want others to be treated," he concluded.