Saturday, November 16, 2013
That's NOT a Clitoris!
Fat Ex-Husband Wins Back Admiration of Lesbian Wife
By Leslie Clempt CPW News Service
Jill and Ben Outt appeared the model couple for thirty years. Ben was a successful Wall Street hedge fund representative until 2008 and Jill had run her own book keeping service. Three beautiful children and a galaxy of friends and loving family members, only a few saw the growing riff in a dynamite marriage that included exemplary lives of Brownie and Boy Scout leadership, standout church choir bass and soprano singing, and Tea Party advocates who loved Fox News and Rush Limbaugh.
“It started with the empty nest,” said Ben's brother, Fred Outt. “As soon as the kids went off to college they started thinking about venturing out a bit. Well, a lot. Or least Jill did. She joined Gold’s Gym and started hanging with a group of ex-Marine women lesbians. They’d meet at the gym at five in the morning, worked out before work and went to the Purple Zebra Bar for drinks after work and who knows what until about 2 a.m. most nights. Ben ballooned out like a Zeppelin. Wallowing in his self-pity the kids didn’t come home at Thanksgiving and Christmas while Jill went on mountain hiking trips with her new friend, Freda, and the others in the Sierra Nevada Mountains or along the Cumberland Trail.”
While listening to the “Pina Colada Song” on the oldies radio station, Ben had a flash. Win Jill back, but how?
“I dropped 85 pounds, hot waxed my entire body and went in high heels, hot outfit, long blond wig and drag to the Purple Zebra and threw myself at Jill. It took a while, but she warmed up to me and dumped Freda never knowing it was me. She said ‘I feel like we are soul mates,’” said Ben who had super-glued two Red Snapper fillets to his groin before dressing that night.
“Later at a hotel the whole charade blew apart when Jill said ‘that’s not a clitoris!’ I said, ‘yes it is…..a very big one!” said Ben.
It turned out that Jill was so impressed with the extent of Ben’s devotion and desire to please her that she proposed that they re-pronounce their wedding vows. “I’ll have to think about that,” said Ben who’s now contemplating a sex change.
“I know that their commitment to each other needs some work,” said Ben’s brother Fred. “But over the years I’ve just learned to go along with the flow, but to try to stay a step or two ahead of it, especially when it looks like lava flowing uphill.”