Funeral Home To Provide New “Paterno Package”
by Winsip Custer CPW News Service
Seizing on the interest in some people to profit from the death of Penn State's legendary football coach, Joe Paterno, by selling online tickets to his public funeral service, Mortimer J. Borlisskaufman, the owner of Restland Morticians of Seattle, Washington is revamping his funeral services.
“When I heard that someone paid $90,000 for a ticket to a free event, I was initially mortified, then inspired. We are offering grieving families the opportunity to provide the ‘Paterno Package’. Tickets are sold to the deceased's funeral and under each seat is an envelope with a numbered ticket. The winner is chosen by lottery after the closing prayer and benediction or whatever the family prefers. Sometimes in the middle of the service like after the singing of the deceased favorite hymn or song like Frank Sinatra's My Way or Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper. However, we try to discourage placing it mid-service. Mourners usually clears out after the drawing and that's a let down to the family who often want a renegotiated priced on the sanctuary rental. Ticket sales are split 50/50 with the family and the ticket holder. The more tickets sold and the higher the price the greater the chance of winning big,” said Mr. Borlisskaufman. “We place a free ad in the newspaper indicating that the funeral is open to all ticket purchasers since it is the ‘PP Package’ with the copyrighted slogan ‘Better Than Bingo’,” he asserted. Tickets are sold online with a credit card and group rates apply, but winners must be present and seated to win.
“When I heard that someone paid $90,000 for a ticket to a free event, I was initially mortified, then inspired. We are offering grieving families the opportunity to provide the ‘Paterno Package’. Tickets are sold to the deceased's funeral and under each seat is an envelope with a numbered ticket. The winner is chosen by lottery after the closing prayer and benediction or whatever the family prefers. Sometimes in the middle of the service like after the singing of the deceased favorite hymn or song like Frank Sinatra's My Way or Blue Oyster Cult's Don't Fear the Reaper. However, we try to discourage placing it mid-service. Mourners usually clears out after the drawing and that's a let down to the family who often want a renegotiated priced on the sanctuary rental. Ticket sales are split 50/50 with the family and the ticket holder. The more tickets sold and the higher the price the greater the chance of winning big,” said Mr. Borlisskaufman. “We place a free ad in the newspaper indicating that the funeral is open to all ticket purchasers since it is the ‘PP Package’ with the copyrighted slogan ‘Better Than Bingo’,” he asserted. Tickets are sold online with a credit card and group rates apply, but winners must be present and seated to win.
John and Myrtle Smith from Seattle provided something like the “Paterno Package” for Mrs. Petula Peterson, Myrtle’s mother who died in June, 2011. "It was our prototype of the PP package," said Borlisskaufman. Petula’s funeral was held at Mr. Borlisskaufman’s Spokane Restland Funeral Home. The 101 year old home maker moved to Spokane to be closer to her daughter, “but not too close”, said Myrtle. Mrs. Peterson had lived 97 years in Boston, Massachusettes. “She didn’t know a soul in Spokane,” said Myrtle who lives in Seattle, “but there were 823 at her funeral and the winning mourner won half of $8,230.”
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