New Greek Fraternity To Evangelize Greek Fraternities

Animal Houses To Get New Zoo Keepers

by Winsip Custer by CPW News Service

With the rise in deplorable and in some cases, actionable, behavior on the part of Greek fraternities and other secret societies three men identifying themselves only as Kulbog Zoltan, Woglad Blistrobic and Wawoo Kobobitnik have begun a campaign to clean up the nation's animal houses on Fraternity Rows from Maine to California and Florida to Washington State.

Targeting college-age men, like visionary zoo keepers ready to wrestle the ranks of the frat-rat legions to the mat, this mysterious trio unveiled their plan in Baltimore, Maryland on Saturday, July 23rd.  "Not with brute force, but with the power of persuasion," said Zoltan.   Zoltan, Blistrobic and Kobobitnik have a clear and pointed message....Darwinian Christianity is the answer to the relentlessness of the rotten apples annually graduating from America's colleges only to fall into the larger American pie.  "These little petrie dishes of fermented foolery produce each year a new crop of bad apples destined to perpetuate the ruling order of death, destruction and meaninglessness under the guise of power, influence and affluence,' said Zoltan whose deep, rich, velvety smooth voice sounds like Barry White singing a slow version of Never Gonna Give You Up.

What is Darwinian Christianity? Blistrobic, the primary spokesman for the three thirty-somethingish-businessmen whose biographies are a great mystery was asked to explain. "It is quite simple, really. Jesus was the fully functioning human being and for any society to survive it must evolve into a more fully functioning specie. He did not over populate the planet with offspring.  He did not mindlessly pursue material possessions.  Some earthlings have correctly embraced the image of Roltanifore's.....I mean Charles Darwin's... understanding of evolution and Christian compassion, but humanity has not gone beyond these two apparently separate realities to combine them....moving past worshipping the seemingly polar images toward assimilating their deeper reality into humanity's individual and collective nature and spirit. 'Survival of the fittest' is not survival of the strongest as Mark McGuire, Jose Conseco, Barry Bonds and even Arnold Schwarzenegger....not to mention past sports figures like Babe Ruth or Lou Gehrig could tell you if they were all living, but the survival of those most capable of adapting to the ever changing needs of the planet. Jesus gave humanity the clear demonstration that his ways are the way toward survivability. Did he have to paint a picture for you? Well he did just that with his life. He told people how to survive and when they killed him he even survived that, promising to do likewise for others who follow his lead. What greater picture do the inhabitants of planet earth need than that?" said Blistrobic who claims that he is a graduate of Omburish Univerity in far upstate Maine.  I could find no such Alma Mater.

"So you allow emergence rather than interject force?" I asked the trio of their proposed mission.  "You don't think that the world would be a better place if there was some giant robot...a Gort-like policeman to insure peace and progress?" I asked. 

"Why?" asked Zoltan.  "You think that humans are capable of exporting their lunacy to some distant place? What humility! Hardly.  If humanity doesn't emerge, it will die.  Such a policemen is totally unnecessary. It was planned that way from the beginning. These little frat boys will grow up to perpetuate the lunacy, which is why we are here," said Zoltan.

I asked Blistrobic if he wasn't concerned about the resistance of the other world religions to the acceptance of his hypothesis.  "Hypothesis?  What hypothesis?  Others have proven what I say to be true," he said.  "Where I asked?  In the whole history of humanity when and where was Christianity ever really tried?" I asked.  "Expand your horizons,"said Blistrobic.  "And as for your worry about the other religions, Muslims, Hindus and the rest....the nations that follow what I describe will lead the universe....I mean world," said Blistrobic.

Chi Kappa Sigma Rho Fraternity's new insignia for
use in its upcoming school year evangelism campaign.

Kulbog Zoltan, Woglad Blistrobic and Wawoo Kabobitnik are renting store fronts on the main "drags" of some of America's most prestigious college towns in order to get their message across. Each year they plan to evangelize a different fraternity using the fraternity's own converts to Chi Kappa Sigma Rho. "We focus only on one fraternity at a time," said Kobobitnik. "This year it's the Kappa Sigma Fraternity. Next year it could be the Mystic Seven Fraternity of the University of Virginia or Skull & Bones of Yale University. We won't know the answer to that question until the Thorhaminous Assembly rules on that issue early next Ponsimian....I mean December," said Kobobitnik.