Selma Hayek and Henry VIII

The Heartbreak of Inbreeding

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

    Though her wealthy French husband has fathered a child with another woman, historians agree that Selma Hayek could have averted the split between England and Spain had she married Henry VIII of England. This would have eliminated the Anglican Church and led to a significantly different looking Prince William.

     European royal inbreeding resulted in the "Hapsburg Jaw" and other genetic abnormalities.  This would have continued had Catherine of Aragon looked like Selma Hayek and been fertile, thus holding Henry VIII's attention, perhaps producing the preferred male heir but continuing genetic mutations, according to experts on European Royal inbreeding.  "Unless Henry was as much a numb-nut as her current husband who seems to have strayed toward leggy, blond, skinny model-types instead of buxom earth-mother-types like Selma, the Anglo-Spanish alliance would have gone unbroken...and that would have, sadly,  kept the gene pool evaporating," said Boris Bucolican a genetic researcher and physician from Serbia.  "By fishing outside of the dehydrating pond of  clotted regal genes, Henry not only split the European Royal's stranglehold on world domination, but also diversified the increasingly septic soup of their limited cross-cavorting."
 

Catherine of Aragon's nephew, Charles II of Spain, was already showing the effect of the shrinking gene pool. His Jay Leno-like jaw which became known as the "Hapsburg Jaw" would prevent an ancestor, Carlos II,  from living a normal life. Feeding the young Carlos proved very difficult and he had to be suckled until he was five years old to prevent starvation.  His mother said, however, that the jaw's jutting angle and toothy structure proved a valuable asset to the family chef in opening pecans and walnuts.  Two centuries earlier, Catherine's nephew, Charles,  had softened the appearance of his "Hapsburg Jaw" by growing a prominent beard, but even then royal chefs were fond of the young Charles' nut-cracking abilities which they had discovered before Charles had reached puberty.

Born to King Philip IV of Spain and his niece Mariana of Austria, Carlos was perhaps the most unfortunate king to emerge from the evaporating primogenitor swamp of the European political and military aspirations. Severely disabled, Carlos II's jaw stuck-out so far that his teeth would not match and he could not chew his own food without substantial leakage. Emotionally and intellectually he seems also to have been thwarted and increasingly socially isolated. Fortunately for his wife, Marie Louise d'Orleans, he could not father an heir.

Portrait of present Prince William
had English and Spanish
Royals not parted company.

Historians have speculated that had King Henry VIII of England remained married to Catherine of Aragon and had the future rulers of England followed the Spanish rather than the German Saxe-Gotha line diluted as it was with the Boleyn offspring, Prince William would look altogether different today.  Dr. Peter Wimbeldowner of the University of Leon in Southern France said at the 2011 Conference on European Royal Inbreeding at Prague attended by Dr. Bucolican and other notable scientists, "...on the other hand, if a Spanish Royal who looks like Selma Hayek had married Henry VIII instead of Spain's Catherine of Aragon, there may not have been the monumental break in the European gene pool that resulted from Henry's divorce from Catherine and marriage to Anne Boleyn. In that case, Prince William would today, look like the photograph I have provided."