Roman Catholic Bush Tells Pope To Butt Out Of Global Warming Debate

Pope Francis Warming To Climate Change, Pastoral Stewardship of Mother
Earth, But Is Sperm Spilling and Family Planning In The Church’s Plan?

 

An Interview with Father Peter A. Codlicker

By  Seymour Dimley for CPW News Service

On June 19th, 2015 Father Peter A. Codlicker of Priest's For Earth Stewardship and Spermatozoa Preservation or PESSP sat down with Seymour Dimley to discuss the Holy Sees' new position on global warming. -WC

SD:  Father Codlicker, the Pope has announced the reality of global warming and

the need to practice a whole new level of stewardship of what he has termed “Mother Earth.”

 PC:  “Mother Earth”….sounds like he’s getting ready to get Cat Stephens and Joni Mitchell to write a Gregorian chant of Where Will The Children Play and They’ve Paved Paradise and Put Up a Parking Lot, doesn’t it?

SD:  So you are not impressed with the church’s new direction?

PC:  When Pope Francis gets JEB Bush to admit that his science is as swayed by his family’s oil interests in Saudi Arabia, Kuwait, Bahrain and the rest of the world and that fracking the holy mollie out of the earth’s substrate, I’ll rejoice and run my approval up the Swiss Guard’s flag poles.   But there is nothing earth shattering about the Pope’s position.

SD:   There isn’t?

PC:    It’s not especially Christian.  It goes back the first and second accounts of creation in Genesis.  You know, chapters one and two.  Then God said ‘Be fruitful and multiply….subdue the earth.”   Then there’s the second account of creation and the admonition to ‘till the garden and maintain it.’    One is about exploitation and other about peaceful coexistence.    By in large celibates aren’t contributing to the earth’s rapidly expanding population and the fracking, oil sucking, gas blowing power pumpers whose money provides some very nice support for the churches….all churches….like it does JEB, his brothers, his daddy and mother.  They aren't excited about shifting the whole oil mess to solar, hydrogen, wind or nuclear.   In that respect they are not too different from the church of the past.  Is Pope Francis serious? 

SD:  Are you asking me?

PC:  Yea, do you think he is serious about the global warming debate?

SD:  By what can I measure, but his words?

PC:  Words are cheap.  An earlier Pope may have told Copernicus and Galileo that their theories were correct, but they were put under house arrest because they told the church that the earth is not the center of the universe.  You don’t tell the organization that holds the “keys to the kingdom” that it’s not the center of the universe.  You don't tell Henry Ford or John D. Rockefeller that though they hold the keys to their kingdoms that they need to convert it all to clean hydrogen fuel cells or lithium-ion batteries and not expect a fight.  If we saw the Muslim clerics telling their people to forget the oil under the desert sands and instead make of the sand silica solar panels then we might believe that the Pope, this Pope, any Pope is sincere.  Gotta keep up with the Jones’ you know.   We’ll know more about the honesty of his position when he brings family planning into alignment with his professed new view on global warming. 

 SD:  In what way might he do that?

 PC:  There is a canonical prohibition against Onanism.  Onan is an Old Testament personality who sinned by spilling his sperm on the ground and somehow lost in the translation was the possibility that being fruitful and multiplying shifted after Adam and Eve’s inbreeds rocketed into a pattern of exponential growth that made a termite colony jealous.   When Pope Francis argues for sperm freezing as a means of birth control we’ll know he’s serious. 

 SD:  Sperm freezing?

PC:   Well, Onan sinned in killing his sperm and allowing it to die on the ground.  This was considered poor stewardship on the one hand or lack of incentive to be fruitful and multiply on the other.  But if the Vatican can sell holy sperm pockets, sperm coozies, kind of like it does candles and rosaries for the tabernacle of future Catholics.   Gotta think outside the box on this one toward a brilliant new approved canonical means of embracing the global warming concerns while bringing the church’s outdated prohibition against Onanism up to date.

 SD:  Sperm pockets or coozies?  Tabernacle of future Catholics?

PC:  The holy pockets are NOT condoms.  Sure, they look exactly like them except they come in liturgical colors that correspond to the church calendar.  You know:  green, red, white, purple. Red will likely be the most popular color and red's short use in the holy calendar will keep it that way, kind of like forbidden fruit.  But they are a holy vessel emblazoned with the Vatican seal and the tabernacle of the future Catholics is the holy family sub-zero tabernacle centrally located in the kitchen or garage next to the new electric, lithium-ion powered family car.  No harm to the sperm, no foul.  Make the placement of the sperm a religious ritual like the Muslims praying five times a day.   The men would love that....for a while, anyway.  Make these deposits into the tabernacle a new sacrament and add it to the existing seven.  I mean, the Protestants may argue that you don't need that many sacraments....some are tossing out doing weddings since Jesus didn't ever conduct one and was arguably never married and many find this is a big relief given the pressure to do gay weddings but hey, if you're going to have sacraments this eighth sacrament should be established by canonical verbiage that avoids making it look like it's some neo-pagan fertility cult ritual.  It's about pastoral stewardship and deferred exploitation of the planet and a pro-life philosophy and theology.  It's what separates us from the birds and the bees, which if we don't put a lid on it aren't going to be sewing the earth's other seeds and pollens anymore.  We human species  got to this point without their help which the earth's plants need for sustainability.  Could you imagine the size of our problem if Onan had little helpers like birds and bees delivering his deposits.  That would have made a horrifying scene in an Alfred Hitchcock movie!

SD:  How many sacraments do Protestants have?

PC:  Two.   They maintain that scripture only authorizes two.  Jesus said "do this in remembrance of me" at his last supper and, of course, he was baptized in the River Jordan by John the Baptist whose name gives away his religious slant.  Hey, as any diabetic or ailing immune system can tell you, bathing is good!   However, there are some that say that since Jesus kind of just acquiesced and didn't implore his followers to do likewise, then it became a sacrament out of church tradition.  That opened the flood gate for the others.  Clearly, communion should be one and I think that baptism is pretty clearly one.  Besides, you get rid of that one and the church throws the baby out with the bath water.

SD:  You're not suggesting that.....

PC:  Oh, NO!  Heaven's no.  I'm a good Roman Catholic.

SD:  We were talking about freezing sperm and holding it in limbo in a sacramental tabernacle for future Roman Catholics when the pressures of the earth resources, maybe from a meteoric fireball or earthquake or Tsunami depopulates a few billion inhabitants.

PC:  Did we say all of that?

SD:  But what about the female’s unfertilized eggs that are discharged monthly? 

PC:  What the hell, freeze them, too.

SD:  What about power outages and defrosting?  That would be a bad a moldy or stale host wouldn't it?

PC:  I am sure that there are some fine Chinese companies that would make the Holy Keeper of the Tabernacle of Future Roman Catholics.

SD:  Gasoline, diesel, propane or natural gas?

PC:  I'm sure that the church will need to look at the bottom line to determine that.  

SD:  Solar?

PC:  That would be ideal, but it all depends on which is more important and time critical?  Planetary overcrowding or global warming.  In a messy world it's a real juggling act.

SD:  With fertile nuns discharging monthly don't they inadvertently practice a type of female Onanism from the time they start ovulating?

PC:  What are you saying?

SD:  That you will need to change the name of your group to include the nuns.

PC:  The priests won't like that.