DECIPHERING DA VINCI'S CODING

Should Family Members Be Present When A Loved One Is Resuscitated….or Not?

By Winsip Custer,  CPW News Service

Beatrice Da Vinci said that watching her mother-in-law being coded (a medical term for resuscitation) in the ER of the San Bernadino Hospital Emergency Room brought mixed feelings.  “As mean as Bernardo’s mother had been to me over the years I had put that all aside when I saw her dying.  I felt an overwhelming sense of release for her from the shackles that bound her to her anger and resentment for my marrying her only child.  It was as if an angel’s hand had reached down to snatch her up as the medical team pounded out a cadence like the percussion section of a full orchestra setting the tempo on the grand finale of some great funeral dirge,” she said smilingly.

Bernardo Da Vinci, Beatrice’s husband, said the experience was wonderful, too. Not only should the patient's family be allowed in the room during the code, they should be asked to play a constructive part in the process.  Doc Phelps asked me to hold up a drip in one hand and a suction tube in the other.”

“Anything to help them feel that they were working to help their loved one hang on,” said Dr. Phelps who has earned the nickname “Doctor Pull ‘em Outovit”.

“And when the code is successful and the patient survives to full recovery, they will have bonded in unbelievable ways with their loved one as well as with the medical team that saved their life.  On the other hand, if the patient is brain dead and on a ventilator, the helping family member will, particularly if they are the MPOA or POA, have a greater appreciation of the value of the life they helped to save. They will better understand the emotional, psychological, spiritual and monetary investment in the person who may now need to be removed from life support," said Dr. Phelps.

“I would keep the chaplain/priest or other spiritual resource out of the room until the patient has stabilized or expired,” said Dr. Phelps.  "If such a person is a priest and he arrives after the patient has expired, the family may say 'gee, Father, if only you had been quicker he would have lived.' This charge was leveled at Jesus when Lazarus died, but of course Jesus was able to raise Lazarus after three days.  So far, this deed lays beyond the expertise of most priests, pastors, minister and chaplains.  If a Roman Catholic priest/chaplain arrives when the family is of the Primitive Baptist faith, or even some wings of the Lutheran and Northern Irish Protestant groups, a fight could break out disrupting the code and resuscitation process.  Best to avoid fisticuffs in the ER or ICU,” said Dr. Phelps.

“Or let the family call their own priest or pastor," said Phelps.  "In this age of budget cuts in medical care, they will all understand that supplying a minister is a luxury that hospitals and ER's can hardly afford unless they are volunteers and what nutcake would want to volunteer their time sitting around watching people die?  Plus, at times like that Catholics are really hoping that the Pope, or at least Monsignor Kelley, will show up and not Father Canon, whom we loving have nicknamed ‘Fodder Canon’,” said Dr. Phelps.  “The same is obviously true for Chaplain Smithers, whose bald head looks nothing like the flowing mop top of Reverend Billy Graham…the first choice of most Protestant family members when a loved one is dying,” said Dr. Phelps.  "Both men are wonderful to work with and have a great sense of humor.  Father Canon says when I call him 'Fodder Canon'....'yes, there's the Pope, then the Cardinals and Arch Bishops and Bishops and so forth with us lowly priests....by Canon Law the 'Fodders' at the bottom and in the trenches,'" said Dr. Phelps. "Well the ER, especially during a code, is one trench I'd like to keep 'Fodder' Canon out of," he continued as Father Canon walked by.  "Hello Fodder," said Dr. Phelps.

Dr. Phelps has joined with Reginald B. Borligiousey of the family rights groups Open The Embalming Parlour, who claim that the historic inclusion of family members in the funeral preparation process not only helps family members to heal following a death, but also insures that their loved one’s favorite alligator shoes are buried with them,” said Mr. Bourligiousey of ICS Mortuaries and Crematoriums and president of OTEP.

Governor Rick Perry Being Pushed For New Texas Flag

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service


Flags tell a story and none as colorful as the state flag of Texas.  Given the name "The Lone Star Flag", this flag was first introduced to the Congress of the Texas Republic in 1838 when Senator William H. Wharton unveiled it three days after Christmas.  By January 25, 1839 the state had its new flag.  Containing the red, white and blue colors of the United States flag, the left side of the Texas flag alternatively contained a single white star on a navy blue background.  This azure rectangle had evolved from the Burnet Flag that was adopted by Congress on December 10, 1836, but which had a golden star instead of white, a flag inspired by the 1810 Bonnie Blue Flag of the Republic of West Florida.   

Ted Turner and Robert Duval in Gods and Generals.
Duval's ancestor, Burr Duval, was a Texas Revolutionary
hero who rode with James Walker Fannin, a cousin of
Samuel F.B. Morse whose telegraph lines ran along the railroad
right of ways.  Burr Duval was the son of the first
Florida Territorial Governor.

 

The Bonnie Blue Flag, with a single white star on a sheet of blue, would evolve from the short-lived Republic of West Florida and decades later become, during the Civil War,  the unofficial banner of the Confederacy.  It was this flag that inspired the song "The Bonnie Blue Flag" which is featured in the Ted Turner film Gods and Generals.

Several leading entries along with the winning design.

But Governor Rick Perry's supporters concerned that the memories of the Confederacy will derail his chances of a Presidential bid, are rethinking the state flag of Texas.  President of Conservatives for Renewing the Texas Flag, Amarillo businessman, Yul  B. Puquein, had proposed a contest to redraw the Texas flag without the Bonnie Blue on the left panel.  A graduate of the University of Texas, Mr. Puquein said "no one's more in front of the curve on supporting human rights and responsible leadership as Texas in the 21st Century.  You cannot do away with the Stars and Bars, the Confederate Flag, without rethinking the Bonnie Blue.  The contest which ended on  June 25th, 2011 was won by a flag that will be dear to the heart of everyone who believes that the eyes of Texas are upon you," said Mr. Puquein from his Amarillo office.  "Of course not everyone will be as delighted as I am, but that will not stop us from presenting the flag to the Texas Congress in January and just in time to avert any complaints that would in any was harm Governor Perry's chances at beating the Afro-American president we currently endure."

Aggies Against The
New Texas Flag offer a possible
alternative design.

Bard T. Bolderman of the group Aggies Against The New Texas Flag says that his group will file a law suit in Austin to prevent the new flag from being raised over the Texas state house.  "Orange and red clash" said Bolderman who said that his group might favor, however,  as a compromise, an orange Longhorn on a burgundy panel attached to the red and white horizontal panels and replacing the Bonnie Blue.

For a view of the Bonnie Blue Flag from Gods and Generals see....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a-3WAhbulFs

FBI Captures Whitey Bulger

Master of Disguise Found In Dick Cheney's House

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

Whitey Bulger, the Boston Irish mobster who evaded authorities for decades has finally been found in the Washington townhouse of

former Vice President Dick Cheney.

"We can't say for sure, we're still investigating," said FBI agent Merv Belli, "but we think that there is a good chance that he was hiding right out in there in the open. Right there under our noses all the time and we just didn't know it."

Civility On Wain

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

CNN's Jack Cafferty reported the decline in civility in America on Tuesday's The Situation Room With Wolf Blitzer.  A KRC Research poll provided the top six least civil institutions in the U.S.A..

Least Civil Institutions In the U.S.A.

1. Political Campaigns

2. Pop culture

3. Media

4. Government

5. Music Industry

6. American Public

         Source: Weber, Shandwick and Powell Tate, KRC Research

On the other hand, the most civil institutions in the U.S.A. have also been uncovered by an unrelated poll conducted by Zobolzik Research Associates of Brusque, New Jersey.

1. Street Prostitutes

2. Las Vegas card dealers

3. Undertakers and pre-planned burial insurance policy salesmen

4. Limo Chaffeurs

5. Shoe shine boys

6. Homeopathic physicians

7. Soup kitchen buffet line wait staff

8. Unpopular culture

9. Private Clubs with rigid membership requirements (once you're in)

10. Maytag repairmen

Vladamir Zobolzik, a Russian immigrant, statistician and engineer who worked for the KGB in the Department of Soviet Efficiency before the fall of the Berlin Wall said "it is never enough to look at only the down side of a poll.  One must also look at the positive side of the same question and I see in our study of the same issue reason to believe that things will get much worse before they get better, but "better" is a very relative term as my work in the Department of Soviet Efficiency can validate.

John Templeton Armstrong Forbes September 4 1968-June 18, 2011

Enlightened Leader Dies From Car Bomb

Forbes'  2004 Nissan following bomb Saturday
bomb blast in Glendale, Arizona.

By Winsip Custer CPW News Service

Glendale, AZ.  John Templeton Armstrong Forbes who made a fortune following the Golden Rule died on Saturday when a bomb exploded under his car parked near the Piazza Al Forno in Glendale, Arizona.  Forbes's business, DUTO-AY-WHODUY, Inc. was begun on a dare while attending a seminar at the Harvard Business School.  "I had just learned that a prominent business man had given Harvard several million dollars to endow a chair of business ethics, but that the gift was rejected.  It seems that there was no real interest in the subject.  Students were more interested in learning the ins-and-out of international banking and capital flight than in a course in business ethics," Forbes had said in an interview with Business Month Magazine last month. 

"Students at America's leading colleges have totally forgotten the fact that manufacturing is not coming back to the U.S. without a fight to replace it.   The fact is that the only thing we have that people really, really want is freedom.  In the past that was our gift to the world.  Anybody can make crap....low tech.....high tech.....it's all the same....it molds, it rusts, it becomes obsolete, it wears out.  It can be made cheaper and cheaper and faster and faster, but freedom and liberty never wear out and that is, or was,  our unique commodity.  'Give me liberty or give me death' and 'Don't tread on me' were our brand names," said Forbes who had announced last week after finding that former Blackwater CEO, Erik Prince, had become a mercenary for the Arab monarch, that he was creating a new company called Magnificent Seven Security, Inc..  "Our arsenal of freedom has increasingly been used to wage a war against the weak.  That is not the way it was in the beginning.  The American agenda has been kidnapped and sold into slavery.  With online contributions from the millions and millions of oppressed and increasingly enslaved we would be able to pool resources to help in their fight against the tyranny of the dictators on which the Globalists depended to enforce their slavery progroms," said Forbes who was in Glendale visiting his fiance, Mini Garrafon, a former cheerleader for the Arizona Cardinals.


Under advice from his attorney,  Forbes, concerned that MGM who had copyrighted the name "Magnificent 7" might see the company name as a copyright infringement, moved to change the name to "Braveheart Security Inc.", but his attorney said that Icon Pictures controlled by Mel Gibson and Alan Ladd, Jr. might also file suit, especially with Gibson's alleged Fascist interests and with his strong support of Nike in the film What Women Want...Nike being a significant supporter of tyranical regimes in Third World countries. Forbes took another course.   "That's when he went to Spartacus Security Inc., said Garrafon, but then they thought that Bryna Productions owned by Kirk Douglas, father of Michael Douglas might also object.   So he settled on Spart-I-Can Security Inc.," said Garrafon.  "He thought it focused nicely on the empowerment of the individual over the tyrannical state run slave industry," Garrafon concluded.

Grief stricken Miss Garrafon, said "John and I were going to be married on June 25th in a double ring ceremony.  I wanted a triple ring ceremony, but he didn't think he could bend down and elegantly put the third ring on my little toe.  They got him.  That was my biggest fear, but we both were prepared for it.  He knew that they would come after him or me.  They come after your family first in order to shut you up, but John would not be silenced.  He was like Pat Tillman and Col. Ted Westhusing, his heroes, along with Marine General and two time Congressional Medal of Honor winner, Smedley Butler.  He was all about substance and abhorred the propaganda, like when the military pulled that Jessica Lynch charade," said Garrafon who had her own public issues with appearance over substance in her work as a cheerleader.

"John had committed himself to highest standards of the American Revolution...'Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness'.....but not at someone elses' expense...and not without helping other do the same," said Garrafon who explained that Forbes had made a life long passion of studying the life of Butler and the political dynamics of Honduras, El Salvador, Costa Rica and Nicaragua following the attempt of William Walker to carve out a new slave region following the American Civil War.

Funeral services for John Templeton Armstrong Forbes will be held in Beaverton, Colorado in a private ceremony on Tuesday, June 21.

Callista Gingrich Bites Back

Newt Gingrich's Wife Owed No Apology According to Fingerless Staffer  


Exodus From Gingrich Camp Blows Wife's Cover

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

America’s major news organizations have scrambled to uncover the reason for the Gingrich campaign organization meld-down.  Gingrich’s top leadership resigned this week in mass.  Rumors of the place that Gingrich’s wife was trying to take in the direction of the Gingrich organization were not substantiated until a Gingrich staffer stepped forward.

Gingrich staffer,  Sidney Noonan Sputsch, who was  fired by Callista Gingrich maintains that “that woman is not who she says she is and Newt damn well knows it.  I was hired to write speeches for Newt, but that woman is not from this planet.  After she bit my finger off thank God I was able to fetch it from a plate of Newt’s spaghetti before it was thrown out.  I raced to the emergency room where they were able to reattach it, but I’m getting as far away Newt and that woman as I can get.”

Meanwhile Newt Gingrich and Harrison Ford have joined to create the Husband’s For Wives Named Callista Foundation which has written a mission statement titled Contract With The Galaxy.

Business Guru Wants Acid Test For Globalization

John Templeton Armstrong Forbes Says 'Globalization' Is Buzz Word For Slavery

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

John Templeton Armstrong Forbes has made his fortunes in leading socially responsible businesses that thrive in a world where 20 cent per hour sweat shop workers make products that cost $5 and sell for $120.00 for a 2,400% rate of return.  So where does all that return go? "It returns to the fat cat executives at Walmart or Nike or IBM or GTE or GE....any company that is willing to turn a blind eye to unquestioned greed.    It certainly doesn't go to little Maria in Honduras, Li Wu in Singapore, Sung Tu in Vietnam, or fourteen year old Madrina in Indonesia.   Globalization is another name for slavery," said Forbes from his Spartan office on Main Street in Beaverton, Colorado.

Forbes who is only distantly related to the Forbes of New England and the Forbes Magazine publishers and to Sir John Templeton of the Templeton Fund, loves poking a thumb in his relatives eyes.  "I strong arm 'em", Forbes is fond of saying pointing to the Scottish tartan plaid of the Armstrong clan hanging on the wall in his fifteen by twenty foot office.  "You see, the Scots would have been enslaved by the Brits were it not for our brassy, ballsy, bullish gumption. Slavery sucks a big one," said Forbes.  "You have to give up the very things that make life worth living.....freedom of speech, freedom of assembly, freedom of religion, freedom from taxation without representation....and don't think that the nations that provide the muscle to enforce sweat shop conditions don't tax the holy crap out of their people on multiple levels."

I asked Forbes what the answer was to changing the tide of the globalization that produces cheap goods on the back of America's historic freedoms and the new slaves of the global industrialization model that he abhors.  "Simple," said Forbes.  "If I were President I'd hang the CEO of any company that produces goods from any nation that uses labor where these historic freedoms are disregarded. Period. I would move immediately to outlaw the traitors and hang them, perhaps dropping them from gallows intentionally built too high so that their heads pop off and I'd put the event on Youtube.  It's cruel and unusual punishment to allow them to run roughshod over the face of the earth.  Then I'd spread around the 2,400 percent rate of return across a broader segment of the workers without gutting the free market system and the financial incentives that we know work, but I'd run this godless greed out of town on a fat rail," said Forbes. 


I asked Forbes about the fact that many of the Founding Fathers were slave owners.  "I know that Washington, Jefferson and others owned slaves, but they also created the greatest freedom loving nation on earth.  Washington was moving quickly to free his slaves and Jefferson said "greater things will you do than I have done.'"


I told Mr. Forbes that I thought it was Jesus Christ that said that and not Jefferson.  "What difference does that make?  Jefferson believed that he could walk on water like Jesus, too, so why not follow his lead?" asked Forbes.


 "You'd all remember my Presidency as a turning point and if I got the job done of setting the course in one term I'd not run for a second.  That would be all I'd need. During that time I'd create a national back to work program that would employ twenty million new workers building a canal from the Mississippi River below Memphis, Tennessee to the Southern tip of California and create a new Imperial Valley in America's wastelands.  Global warming has effected the annual snow pack in the Rocky Mountains upon which farmers in the West have depended for over 100 years.  This would help bring back smaller farms and I'd fight for laws that prohibit food being used as a weapon, but for Christ's sake, we'd have to influence responsible population growth and management figures or wake up one day to find that we live in total chaos in spite of all our advances.  This means that certain religions must really step into the 21st Century and wake up!  Roman Catholic birth control policy is about as effective as their pedophelia restrictions.   A similar canal would be dug from the Columbia River in the Northwest to bring water to northern Nevada and Arizona," said Forbes who seemed to relish in the thought of reigniting America's penchant for greatness.

"I'd turn the wetlands of Louisiana into the nation's new algae biofuel region....hell, the fertilizer nitrate runoff from the heartland farms down the Mississippi has killed a huge swatch of that region anyway and I'd make New Orleans the new terminal for compressed natural gas tankers and make us oil free in twenty years.  Since Louisiana sits on top of the underground storage pockets for our strategic oil reserve we'd fill it with the new algae biofuel....a clear statement of our energy independence and a nip tuck of the Globalist's stranglehold on energy.  We'd reclaim regions along the Gulf Coast as natural habitat and protective zones.  We'll need a new group of high tech naturalists for that undertaking.  I'd put our teachers back to work shipping them to any nation willing to embrace our freedoms while learning from them the English language, computer and math and engineering skills.  Like it or not our penchant for freedom flew on the back of the English language and it is now the best vehicle for the continuation of freedom and progress," said Forbes.  "Do you think the world will trust that job to the Russian or Chinese language?  To French or Spanish? German?  Japanese? Aramaic?  Then I'd tell Mexico to cure its drug wars or we will...and I'd tell our drug lords....and believe me we have them....the very ones who currently pass laws to prohibit street sales profit from our drug policies...I tell them on both sides of the border to clean it up in two months or they'll drop, too. In the wings I'd have another twenty million of our people who'll join twenty million of theirs to get the job done and the streets of El Paso, Tijuana, Monterrey, Mexico City will all be safe for our children and elderly" said Forbes.

Lady Gaga Over Nike Shoes Then Changes Her Tune

Running A Muck In Record Time

By Winsip Custer CPW News Service

The lady, Mrs. Bettie Friedman, was gaga over her new Nike running shoes. Then she read that in Vietnam Nike pays its 20,000 workers on average $2.00 per day, deals brutally with anyone attempting to organize labor, deducts 15% for employees missing production quotas and closed two Central American plants without paying mandatory severance to unemployed workers.

"That's bad enough," said Mrs. Friedman, "but what's worse is to learn that James Landon Knight, the founder of the Knight-Ridder newspaper chain was documented by Louis Nizer in his book My Life In Court as being the primary leader of a Nazi American 'Fifth Column' in the lead up to World War II. James L. Knight has endowed buildings and educational programs across America said Friedman. "James Landon Knight and Philip Hampson Knight are close kin," said Friedman. Philip Hampson Knight was not offered a job at his father's newspaper, the Oregon Journal, and went instead into sports shoes eventually adding to Nike's Board of Directors the Vice-Chair of the John Shiveley Knight and James Landon Knight Foundation, Jill Conway, the first woman president of Smith College, alma mater of Barbara Pierce Bush and Nancy Reagan, but who must have flunked civics 101 in her own college education," said Friedman.

Friedman quoted verbatim the mission statement of the Knight Foundation which states.....

Knight Foundation supports transformational ideas that promote quality journalism, advance media innovation, engage communities and foster the arts. We believce that democracy thrives when people and communities are informed and engaged.

Nike's Jill Conway and
Vice-Chair of the John
S. and James L.
Knight Foundation

"Whoa, just a friggin' minute.  The Knight Foundation's mission statement does not line up with the reality of its employment practices," said Friedman a Charlotte, North Carolina housewife who has followed the work of James Landon and Philip Hampson Knight ever since she put the two together while reading a Knight-Ridder newspaper when jogging in her new Nikes. "A local college right here in Charlotte, Queens University, has on campus the John S. and James L. Knight Center for Communication," said Friedman. "I thought that was a wonderful expression of concern for the truth, but then I discovered chapter four of Louis Nizer's book My Life In Court as well as the fact that Knight-Ridder owned the San Jose Mercury News which had first stood behind the journalism of  their star reporter Gary Webb whose book, Dark Alliance, uncovered the CIA-Contra drug connection in Central America.  Webb understood that the drug connection was a way of enslaving the American population while enriching the elite.  Knight-Ridder withdrew their support of Webb, threw him under the bus, hung him out to dry and pulled the rug out from under him while leaving him twisting in the wind, up the creek without a paddle and busier than a one-armed paper hanger trying to find the support the KR mucous wads withdrew.  Webb was more on the money than Abe Lincoln's face on a penny and 'in God we trust' on a dollar bill," said Friedman.

Some of the community and college buildings bearing the
James Landon Knight name.

Louis Nizer had long been an American Jewish voice who blew the whistle on Adolf Hitler's genocide of the Jews and enslavement of millions during World War II and relentlessly pressured Americans to wake up and smell the stinch coming from Hitler's ovens. "Without Nizer we may be speaking German today.  I just don't want anyone to forget that the world is only two dollars-a-day and a potty break from a return to those times," said Friedman. "And Knight-Ridder, instead of promoting quality journalism and endorsing democracy, engages in nothing more than enhanced propaganda.  You put these connections together with the Tea Party's Koch brothers' connections with Hitler's Germany and America is running a muck in record time.  And as far as what that crypto-Nazi, Mel Gibson, said about Nike in the movie about women, What Women Want....you remember 'No games. Just sport'....yea, the old sport of enslavement...a very dangerous game," said Friedman.

For an overview of Phillip Knights leadership of Nike see

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPqiGiKpYSE

Austrailian TV uncovers Nike's Human Trafficking Sweatshop in Indonesia

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9ZktmrGGMU

National Leadership Barometer Hits New Bozo High

Respected Diagnostic Survey Hits Dangerously High Bozo Level

by Winsip Custer

Since its first use in 1950 after Alan W. Livingston created the character Bozo the clown in 1946, the national BFAS or Bozo Factor Analytical Survey has judged the seriousness and quality of the United State's leadership. In the 50's, 60's, 70's and 80's the Bozo factor has steadily climbed until today it sits at 200% of its initial 1950 value.

"The only way to reduce the current critically high 'Bozo Level' is to elect leaders with verifiable brains," said BFAS's chief statistician, Herbert C. Pullman. "It's not that expensive to provide the American people with a verifiable MRI, EEG and brain wave analysis from a team of the nation's most qualified neurologists," said Pullman. "John Wayne put it clearly," Pullman continued, "'life is really hard and it's even harder when you're stupid'."

Gammarelli Clothiers Opens Protestant Shop In Manhattan

Passion for Christian Clothes 

Brings New Ecclesiastical Endeavor

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

John P. Gammarelli of Manhattan, New York, has just opened Gammarelli's Sartoria Per Ecclesiastici.  "Unlike the clothier of Roman Catholic Bishops, Arch Bishops, Cardinals and Popes, we clothe the discriminating Protestant pastors, preachers and other clergymen and now women," said Gammarelli.  "The Italian men's business suit is the classic statement of professionalism, passion for excellence and graceful elegance that is found in our other familiar designs," said Bernardo Z. Vallone, Gammarelli's manager.  When asked about the new 2011 designs, Vallone was quick to say that the all cashmere John Knox, Peter Waldo and Billy Graham suits were leading this year's sales.

"Next year we'll be adding the Wesley, Wycliffe and Hus, but we also anticipate that the traditional double-breasted gray worsted Luther with Zwingli blood red necktie on buttoned down Oxford dress shirt will also be in high demand.  Custom tailored Gammarelli's start at $4700," said Vallone.  The women's versions start at $17,500.

Anthony Weiner Vows Reform & Joins Chesterfield Association To Stay Nose Length Ahead of Critics

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service Inc.

     With his political career on the line, Anthony Weiner has made a stunning announcement. "I am joining the Chesterfield Association and will unreservedly throw myself into the rehabilitation of my life and interests. I can't promise that I won't Tweet body parts, but I'll be moving from genitalia to noses in keeping with CA's highest standards," he said from his home in Forest Hills, Queens, New York.

     The Chesterfield Association is named after Lord Chesterfield or Philip Stanhope of England. Building upon his famous quotation "Sex: The pleasure is momentary. The position ridiculous. The cost damnable," the Chesterfield Association has "covenanted together to never send by mail, messenger, winged foul or legged beast, electronic delivery or transfer any likeness of any human body part save the nose."

     Association President, Dr. Roman Boogier Probositis, has written more than a dozen treatises on the power of what he has termed "nose-focus" in helping people like Anthony Weiner break their addiction to viewing other human body parts. "In my well-measured opinion the thought of and concentration upon the human nose in helping to align the sensibilities of the human passions is without equal. Nothing brings into balance the human libido, emotions, and mental wanderings like meditating on the width, breadth, angular manifestations and flare of the human nostril."

Famous noses that are the focus of Chesterfield
Association's solution to Anthony Weiner's
fixation.

     I asked if Dr. Probositis had any information as to the apparent lack of power of this fixation on noses to deflect and assuage Nazi's prurient interests in human sexuality. Behind the facade of human dignity, or at least Aryan human dignity, was a demonstrably abnormal National Socialistic libido. "They did not dedicate the necessary meditative focus and power on the nose as an object of redemption, deliverance and salvation," said Probositis who went on to say that the same deliverance might also be available if one focused attention on an anvil or sack of potatoes, but that the Chesterfield's prefer noses for one very obvious reason.  It sticks out there all the time.

     "Wouldn't it be better to focus one's deliverance on, say, religion, god or some other time honored system of spirituality?" I asked.
     "That would be fine," said Probositis "if you are willing to tithe, give 10% of your income, to whatever that entity is, as in the Christian or Jewish traditions. The nose has no such requirement, and neither would an anvil or sack of potatoes for that matter. Which may be why Congressman Weiner has found the Chesterfield Association so appealing with its annual dues of $50."

Botched Wedding Saves Big Bucks

Blame It On Us

Catering Company Making Big Bucks During Economic Downturn By Flubbing the Wedding Reception

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

When John Jacobson's daughter Rebecca announced her wedding, John had mixed emotions.  He loved Sam Havermeyer, Rebecca's fiance, but John had just been laid off from his $150,000 a year public relations job with Wilson, Headington & Palmer and he had tapped out his savings for Rebecca's $50,000/year college tuition at Columbia.

"Rebecca's wedding would have cost us a minimum of thirty to forty thousand dollars....maybe even more.  As it turned out it cost us just under $3800, not counting the bride's maid dresses.  The dress was the most expensive part of the whole affair at $800. The three hundred guests cost only $10 each.  Half of that was for wine. We relabeled all the $3.99 wine bottles with an Italian name no one's ever heard of before. The wedding cake and food never make it to the event.  Instead the caterers arrived at the reception to announce that they had been in a horrible accident and that their van turned over  spreading cake, shrimp cocktail, roast beef and fried chicken strips in a drainage ditch.  A police officer arrives just after the caterers with photographs of the disaster to ask the caterers why they left the scene of the accident and soon the drama spreads through the wedding party like a California canyon fire in June," said Jacobson who saw in Rebecca's wedding the answer to many a  parent's dilemma and the makings of his new business and career. 

Photo of accident scene

"Nobody wants to have to admit that they can't afford to throw a big wedding for their daughter, but desperate times call for desperate measures," said Jacobson.

"The key to the whole thing is the referral and the wedding planner," said Jacobson.  "The referral must come from someone very, very important.  In my case it came from Jill Von Furstenberg a non-existent member of the fashion family.  Then the wedding planner has to be totally believable and provide unwavering confidence for the bride and mother on the first visit. In my case it was Beth Harvard, who had also been laid off from Wilson, Headington & Palmer and who has incredible public relations skills.  Her father was a Dale Carnegie instructor.  The bride and mother trust after the initial and subsequent meetings with Beth that every detail will come off without a hitch at the reception. My business plan called for wedding insurance which is actually the $30,000 I would have paid for the wedding less the $3000 cost.  After the wedding reception flops the bride and mother are so happy that the event was insured that they never realize that the 10% deductible was part of the coverage anyway and represents the whole cost of the wedding less my fee.  The guests are totally sympathetic, some even increasing their gifts to the bride and groom out of compassion for their botched wedding.  Dad gets $27,000 back, sends the kids on a really nice honeymoon and the wedding guests throw themselves into heavy drinking, some running out to buy Twinkies, Snowballs and Kentucky Fried Chicken to make up for the lost food, and everyone's happy.  Those that knew that I was out of work wonder if the exclusive caterer will cover the cost of the food, whether the accident was their fault or someone else's and wonder what's poor John going to do now and the whole gathering turns into an 'oh my God, bless their hearts' moment," said Jacobson. 


"Once in Albany a local policeman, also a wedding guest, wondered why he missed the accident on his scanner, but we tell people it happened as the van was leaving New York City," said Jacobson with a smile.

When asked if there were any drawbacks to his new business, Jacobson said that the toughest aspect was constantly changing the company name so that people didn't catch on.  Among Jacobson's company names has been Fleur de Lis Catering, Extrava Catering, Exclusive Catering, Von Buehlow Catering, Ritz Catering, Elite Catering, Touch of Elegance Catering, Ravissante Catering, Impeccable Catering and Reliable Catering. "That's a good one, huh?" asked Jacobson.  "In addition, you can only do this in large cities or in smaller cities beyond about a 100 mile radius of each other.   Plus we carefully cull the wedding invitation list to make sure there's no guests from previous weddings who might blow our cover.  We're working on other methods to help people save face, but those are trade secrets," said Jacobson whose fee is $3500 per wedding.  With 53 weekends per year and an average of two weddings per weekend that's $371,000 per year with Beth Harvard making $100,000 per year and John $271,000 per year as the company owner, but $75,000 of that goes to Jerry Ferguson, Harry Williamson and Wilma Williamson, the fake policeman and caterers who were also laid off from their public relations jobs last year.  "Harry and Wilma's son, Josh, is also a wedding singer who offers to sing an hour extra for free after the reception falls apart," said Jacobson.

MAY 22nd DRAMA AT SEA

Family Planning Conference Leads Preacher To Jump Ship On May 22nd

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

No one told Rev. Willard Prudhomme, a conservative non-denominational preacher, that the luxury cruise ship he and his wife were taking on the only cruise of their lives would also be home to the Nevada Association of Family Planning Workers. Prudhomme who is president of the Abstain Now Chapter XII of Buffalo, New York, was infuriated when he accidentally walked into a seminar titled Rhythm & Blues: What The Roman Catholic Church Does Want You To Know. 

"I thought it was about music," said Prudhomme.  Later on May 22 as the ship was steaming toward Hawaii and several hundred miles off the coast of Seattle, Washington, Rev. Prudhomme decided to try another seminar titled Cosmo Connection. "I thought that was about outer space or something. It was the story of how Cosmopolitan Magazine was responsible for promoting the birth control pill and how its publisher, Helen Gurley Brown, author of Sex And The Single Girl helped advance the sale of J.D. Searle Company's new pill. Then they said that my hero, Donald Rumsfeld, former Secretary of Defense, was hired by J.D. Searle to promote the development of Aspartame, better know as Equal....that sweetener is the creation of the devil and I have told my parishioners never to use it. It's poison," said Prudhomme who following the Searle seminar convinced his wife that the world would, indeed, come to an end on the May 22nd and rather than risk being in the company of a ship full of profligates, they'd stand a better chance of a clear "lift off" from one of the ship's lifeboats.

"When we discovered that the lifeboat was missing, we did a head count and the Prudhomme's were gone," said Captain Ira Rushmore of SeaAdventure Inc., a Washington based cruise line. "When we picked the couple up after a twenty-six hour search, Mrs. Prudhomme was mumbling something about Jaws, the movie. When we got them back on deck one of the family planning workers told Mrs. Prudhomme that the movie was all make believe and that Helen Gurley Brown's husband had produced the movie Jaws. "Helen Gurley and David Brown addressed people's two biggest fears," the woman told Rev. Prudhomme and his wife... "being eaten alive and having an unwanted pregnancy," said Captain Rushmore who said that the couple retired to their cabin for the remainder of the voyage.

Rev. Prudhomme said of the escape from the cruise ship and disappointment of the May 22nd prediction "it gave me time to think out there on the open ocean with nothing but the stars and my wife's familiar snoring.  I remembered an old movie from my childhood, The Unsinkable Molly Brown, and how the whole ship, the Titanic, went down, but Molly Brown survived to carry on with even more energy and enthusiasm than before.  I believe God is giving me another chance," he said.

Mildred Prudhomme had a different story.  "I thought about that seminar Willard made me attend and how my father wouldn't let me read Sex and the Single Girl nor see the movie when it came out.  In that seminar I read the book and also met Bernie Marx a family planning  administrator from Syracuse, not far from where we live in Buffalo and I'm leaving Willard for Bernie," she said.

ALASKA ICE ROAD TRUCKER WARS

Alaska Truck Drivers Playing Russian Roulette

by Winsip Custer CPW News Service

Buford Bell did not expect to return to the United States from Iraq where he miraculously survived the explosion of his tanker truck.  "I thought I was a gonner, for sure," said Buford whose route was laid out by Blackwater Security through a mine field.  "Alaska would surely be safer than Iraq," said Bell.  "The only reason I'm here is 'cause that tanker was only a quarter full, but I understand that the insurance and government made good on a whole tanker's worth, so I didn't cost nobody nothin," said Bell who spent four month in rehab, but was otherwise unscathed.

Buford Bell's rig after incident.

That was four years before the incident last January half way between Dead Horse and Anchorage on America's most dangerous ice road highway.  "That SOB, Matt Mattigan, ran me off the road," said Bell.  "His Carlile rig pulled up next to mine and edged me over onto the thin ice.  I ain't never seen anything like it.  Truckers have always been friends out there on the open road and you just don't expect that kind of dad gummed mean maneuvering," said Bell.  

"Mr. Bell, ain't got no reason to complain," said Matthew "Mad Dog" Mattigan who found the incident causing him to lose a guest appearance on the new History Channel program Ice Road Truckers.  Mrs. Mattigan said that she is happy to be transferred to Houston.  "I've had enough of this freezing weather.  What does Matt think I am?  A polar bear?"


Matt and Bette Mattigan joined Matt's brother Jack "Polar Bear" Mattigan in Alaska in
1988 where Matt's brother owns Ice Road Big Rig Rescue and Recovery, Inc.  Ironically, Jack's company provided the only recovery service along this stretch of the treacherous Alaskan highway.

Mattigan denies
incident.

We asked Mr. Mattigan if he would be working for Carlile Transportation in Houston and whether Carlile is part of the Carlile Group. "Ain't none of your bees' wax," he said flipping his middle finger as he shoved his rig into gear and sped out of the Popeye's Chicken parking lot in Anchorage where the interview was conducted.
Buford Bell was philosophical about the loss of his truck and income.  "It's hard to
find a Good Samaritan this far north of the Equator, I guess," he said as he filled out an application as a deckhand on an Alaskan king crab fishing boat out of Dutch Harbor that is filmed in the Discovery Channel program Deadliest Catch.  Bell, who can't swim, said "that's probably a good thing since I hate the thought of freezing to death."

Carlile Transportion's website while making no reference to Carlile Group states clearly that ....

Our Houston, Texas Terminal is strategically located on the eastern side of the Houston industrial area and is easily accessed off of I-10 from Beltway 8 or the 610 Loop. The terminal is situated on 238 acres belonging to Halliburton Energy Services, Joe D. Hughes, and Kellogg Brown and Root Marine Division.